1 Rachel discovered that she couldn’t have any children, so even though Jacob spent most of his time with her she became jealous. She said to Jacob; “Give me children, or I’ll stop bothering to have sex with you.”
2 Jacob got pretty upset with that for obvious reasons, he said; “Do I look like God to you? He’s the one that made you not able to have children.”
3 Then she said; “Well fine, if I can’t have children, make some children with my slave girl and I’ll pretend they’re mine.”
4 Jacob said; “So let me get this right, you want me to have lots of sex with your slave so she has children? Ok.”
5 So Bilhah became pregnant and had a son.
6 Then Rachel said; “Give me that! Here you can have this T-Shirt instead” And took the child as her own.
7 Bilhah became pregnant again.
8 Then Rachel said; “Wooohooo, getting closer to my Sister, just a few more.”
9 Leah started to get worried now that Rachel was having childen, and since she couldn’t have any more she gave Jacob her slave to make more children.
10 So Zilpah had a son by Jacob.
11 Then Leah said; “Ha! You’ll never catch up now!”
12 Zilpah had another son.
13 Leah said; “That makes six for me! I’ll be able to start a volleyball team!”
14 A random son of Leah went out to the fields during harvest and gathered mandrake plants. Rachel said to Leah; “Pass some of those over this way.”
15 Leah said to her; “What will you pay for them?” Rachel said; “I’ll give you Jacob for the night. I’ve got him whipped, he pretty much does what I tell him to.”
16 Leah went out to meet Jacob when he came in from the fields that night, “Rachel says you’re having sex with me tonight, lets go.” So Jacob went with Leah and they had sex.
17 Somehow Leah became pregnant again.
18 Leah said; “I guess the doctor I went to see didn’t do a very good job.”
19 Leah became pregnant again.
20 Then Leah said; “Surely with so many I’ve won the battle with Rachel, she still only has two.”
21 Leah also had a daughter.
22 Then a miracle happened, and God took credit for it.
23 Rachel became pregnant and had a son.
24 She said; “Wow, that sucks, I wish I hadn’t asked God to fix me.”
25 After Rachel had her child Jacob went to Laban, he said; “I need to get out of here.”
26 “I’ll take my wives and children, but soon I’m going to have a whole village the way they keep giving me women.”
27 But Laban said to him; “I’d rather you stuck around, you’re a good worked, and with you around I don’t have to do much.”
28 He continued; “Just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.”
29 Jacob said to him; “Well it’s true that I’m the best worker you’ve got.”
30 “You only had a little crappy herd when I got here, but now it’s big and prosperous, but what do I have?”
31 Laban asked; “Well what do you want?”
32 “I’ll go through all the flocks today and take the speckled, spotted, striped, or otherwise imperfect ones.”
33 “That way we’ll always know who owns which animals, I’ll have speckled and spotted ones, and yours will be all plain.”
34 “Deal.” Said Laban.
35 Before Jacob could get out there Laban removed all the imperfect animals from his flocks.
36 He had his sons take them far away so Jacob would never know he cheated him. Laban had gotten good at cheating Jacob over the years.
37 Jacob knew what had happened, so he prepared some white paint.
38 Then he waited for the animals to mate.
39 And when they did he quickly painted spots and stripes on the little ones.
40 Then he took the spotted and striped ones and started his own flock.
41 Every time the strong animals had babies Jacob painted them and would take them as his own.
42 But if the animals were weak he wouldn’t paint them and let Laban keep them.
43 In that way Jacob became very rich and screwed over Laban all in one stroke.
Commentary:
Well Laban was a busy guy, and not just in the fields. Not sure what was going on with his wives wanting to have children so badly that they just handed over more women for him to have sex with. I guess as Laban he couldn’t really complain much. So far he’s the only one that is actually being blessed with the thousands of children by God, even after he told God he didn’t care about them. Maybe that was the secret.
Also love the swindling by both the guys at the end there. First Laban cheating Jacob, then the other way around. Not sure how he got away with painting the animals, but all the power to him.