Genesis Chapter 30

1 Rachel discovered that she couldn’t have any children, so even though Jacob spent most of his time with her she became jealous.  She said to Jacob; “Give me children, or I’ll stop bothering to have sex with you.”

 

2 Jacob got pretty upset with that for obvious reasons, he said; “Do I look like God to you?  He’s the one that made you not able to have children.”

3 Then she said; “Well fine, if I can’t have children, make some children with my slave girl and I’ll pretend they’re mine.”

4 Jacob said; “So let me get this right, you want me to have lots of sex with your slave so she has children?  Ok.”

5 So Bilhah became pregnant and had a son.

6 Then Rachel said; “Give me that!  Here you can have this T-Shirt instead”  And took the child as her own.

7 Bilhah became pregnant again.

8 Then Rachel said; “Wooohooo, getting closer to my Sister, just a few more.”

9 Leah started to get worried now that Rachel was having childen, and since she couldn’t have any more she gave Jacob her slave to make more children.

10 So Zilpah had a son by Jacob.

11 Then Leah said; “Ha! You’ll never catch up now!”

12 Zilpah had another son.

13 Leah said; “That makes six for me!  I’ll be able to start a volleyball team!”

14 A random son of Leah went out to the fields during harvest and gathered mandrake plants.  Rachel said to Leah; “Pass some of those over this way.”

15 Leah said to her; “What will you pay for them?”  Rachel said; “I’ll give you Jacob for the night.  I’ve got him whipped, he pretty much does what I tell him to.”

16 Leah went out to meet Jacob when he came in from the fields that night, “Rachel says you’re having sex with me tonight, lets go.”  So Jacob went with Leah and they had sex.

17 Somehow Leah became pregnant again.

18 Leah said; “I guess the doctor I went to see didn’t do a very good job.”

19 Leah became pregnant again.

20 Then Leah said; “Surely with so many I’ve won the battle with Rachel, she still only has two.”

21 Leah also had a daughter.

22 Then a miracle happened, and God took credit for it.

23 Rachel became pregnant and had a son.

24 She said; “Wow, that sucks, I wish I hadn’t asked God to fix me.”

25 After Rachel had her child Jacob went to Laban, he said; “I need to get out of here.”

26 “I’ll take my wives and children, but soon I’m going to have a whole village the way they keep giving me women.”

27 But Laban said to him; “I’d rather you stuck around, you’re a good worked, and with you around I don’t have to do much.”

28 He continued; “Just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.”

29 Jacob said to him; “Well it’s true that I’m the best worker you’ve got.”

30 “You only had a little crappy herd when I got here, but now it’s big and prosperous, but what do I have?”

31 Laban asked; “Well what do you want?”

32 “I’ll go through all the flocks today and take the speckled, spotted, striped, or otherwise imperfect ones.”

33 “That way we’ll always know who owns which animals, I’ll have speckled and spotted ones, and yours will be all plain.”

34 “Deal.” Said Laban.

35 Before Jacob could get out there Laban removed all the imperfect animals from his flocks.

36 He had his sons take them far away so Jacob would never know he cheated him.  Laban had gotten good at cheating Jacob over the years.

37 Jacob knew what had happened, so he prepared some white paint.

38 Then he waited for the animals to mate.

39 And when they did he quickly painted spots and stripes on the little ones.

40 Then he took the spotted and striped ones and started his own flock.

41 Every time the strong animals had babies Jacob painted them and would take them as his own.

42 But if the animals were weak he wouldn’t paint them and let Laban keep them.

43 In that way Jacob became very rich and screwed over Laban all in one stroke.

Commentary:

Well Laban was a busy guy, and not just in the fields.  Not sure what was going on with his wives wanting to have children so badly that they just handed over more women for him to have sex with.  I guess as Laban he couldn’t really complain much.  So far he’s the only one that is actually being blessed with the thousands of children by God, even after he told God he didn’t care about them.  Maybe that was the secret.

Also love the swindling by both the guys at the end there.  First Laban cheating Jacob, then the other way around.  Not sure how he got away with painting the animals, but all the power to him.

Genesis Chapter 29

1 So after the night of the weird dream and talking to God, Jacob continued on his journey

2 The he saw a well in a field.  Three groups of people were lying dead around the well

3 Apparently it was suicide pact day out in the country.

4 Jacob said to the FBI investigators; “You guys got here quick.”  They answered; “Slow week at the office.”

5 “I don’t suppose you know a guy who runs a whore house around here?”  asked Jacob.  “Yeah we were there last night,” answered the men.

6 Then Jacob asked them; “How are the girls?”  “Very hawt,” said the guys.  “Here comes one of them now.”

7 “Hey thanks for the help - are you guys going to be here much longer?”

8 “Yeah, we just got started – still have to test the well water.”

9 Jacob was still talking with them when Rachel showed up with a bunch of her friends from the brothel

10 Rachel worked at the same place that his Mother had worked.  When Jacob saw Rachel he lost control of himself.

11 He grabbed her and kissed her, then she slapped him and he began to sob loudly.

12 He told Rachel who his Mother was and that he was there to find a wife.  Rachel ran home to tell her pimp that another rich man had shown up to find a woman.

13 As soon as Laban heard the news he hurried out to meet Jacob, then hurried him back to the brothel without even discussing price.

14 “We still talk about that servant that showed up here, you have big shoes to fill!”  Jacob stayed a full month.

15 Then Jacob’s money ran out and Laban said to him.  “No freeloaders stay here, you’re going to have to start working for your stay.”

16 Laban had two daughters, Leah and Rachel.

17 Leah was older and a blonde, Rachel was a red head with a nice figure.

18 Jacob had been spending a lot of time with Rachel and he was in to her, so he said; “I’ve made up my mind, I want to marry Rachel – but I spent my dowry, how long will I have to work to pay for her?”

19 “Seven years,” said Laban.  “Seven years!!” exclaimed Jacob, “That’s highway robbery … I’ll do it.”

20 So Jacob worked for seven years – it seemed like forever, but finally it was over.

21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Ok, I’m done, now give me my wife.”

22 So Laban brought everyone together, and had a big dinner.

23 He got everyone drunk, especially Jacob, and then gave Leah over as the bride.  Jacob didn’t know the difference and made love to her.

24 Laban threw in a female slave as his present to the bride and groom.

25 When Jacob woke up the next morning Leah was next to him.  He said to Laban, “Man you were drunk last night you gave me the wrong daughter, where is Rachel?”

26 Laban replied; “You have to marry the older daughter first, what am I going to do with an old maid?”

27 “Listen you finish the wedding week with that one, then you can marry Rachel – but after the second wedding you have to work another seven years.”

28 So Jacob messed around with Leah for a week then married Rachel.

29 Laban gave them another slave on their wedding night; he was anything but original with his presents.

30 Jacob had a larger bed built to accommodate all his women.

31 God was at the wedding party and he saw that Jacob didn’t love Leah as much as Rachel, so he did Jacob a favour.  He made Leah able to have children, but Rachel was infertile so they could have as much sex as they wanted and Jacob could still have children.

32 Leah became pregnant and had a son

33 Again.

34 And again.

35 And again.  Then she’d had enough and got her tubes tied.

Commentary:

We see here that even back in the day there were tons of cults all over the place, some messed up enough to have suicide pacts and kill off all their members.  Not much has changed with the FBI either it appears.

Another great example of God both hanging out in whore houses, and blessing plural marriage.  I’m not sure how many more examples of that you need before we start opening up the churches and put a stop to all this monogamy stuff once and for all.