Genesis Chapter 29

1 So after the night of the weird dream and talking to God, Jacob continued on his journey

2 The he saw a well in a field.  Three groups of people were lying dead around the well

3 Apparently it was suicide pact day out in the country.

4 Jacob said to the FBI investigators; “You guys got here quick.”  They answered; “Slow week at the office.”

5 “I don’t suppose you know a guy who runs a whore house around here?”  asked Jacob.  “Yeah we were there last night,” answered the men.

6 Then Jacob asked them; “How are the girls?”  “Very hawt,” said the guys.  “Here comes one of them now.”

7 “Hey thanks for the help - are you guys going to be here much longer?”

8 “Yeah, we just got started – still have to test the well water.”

9 Jacob was still talking with them when Rachel showed up with a bunch of her friends from the brothel

10 Rachel worked at the same place that his Mother had worked.  When Jacob saw Rachel he lost control of himself.

11 He grabbed her and kissed her, then she slapped him and he began to sob loudly.

12 He told Rachel who his Mother was and that he was there to find a wife.  Rachel ran home to tell her pimp that another rich man had shown up to find a woman.

13 As soon as Laban heard the news he hurried out to meet Jacob, then hurried him back to the brothel without even discussing price.

14 “We still talk about that servant that showed up here, you have big shoes to fill!”  Jacob stayed a full month.

15 Then Jacob’s money ran out and Laban said to him.  “No freeloaders stay here, you’re going to have to start working for your stay.”

16 Laban had two daughters, Leah and Rachel.

17 Leah was older and a blonde, Rachel was a red head with a nice figure.

18 Jacob had been spending a lot of time with Rachel and he was in to her, so he said; “I’ve made up my mind, I want to marry Rachel – but I spent my dowry, how long will I have to work to pay for her?”

19 “Seven years,” said Laban.  “Seven years!!” exclaimed Jacob, “That’s highway robbery … I’ll do it.”

20 So Jacob worked for seven years – it seemed like forever, but finally it was over.

21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Ok, I’m done, now give me my wife.”

22 So Laban brought everyone together, and had a big dinner.

23 He got everyone drunk, especially Jacob, and then gave Leah over as the bride.  Jacob didn’t know the difference and made love to her.

24 Laban threw in a female slave as his present to the bride and groom.

25 When Jacob woke up the next morning Leah was next to him.  He said to Laban, “Man you were drunk last night you gave me the wrong daughter, where is Rachel?”

26 Laban replied; “You have to marry the older daughter first, what am I going to do with an old maid?”

27 “Listen you finish the wedding week with that one, then you can marry Rachel – but after the second wedding you have to work another seven years.”

28 So Jacob messed around with Leah for a week then married Rachel.

29 Laban gave them another slave on their wedding night; he was anything but original with his presents.

30 Jacob had a larger bed built to accommodate all his women.

31 God was at the wedding party and he saw that Jacob didn’t love Leah as much as Rachel, so he did Jacob a favour.  He made Leah able to have children, but Rachel was infertile so they could have as much sex as they wanted and Jacob could still have children.

32 Leah became pregnant and had a son

33 Again.

34 And again.

35 And again.  Then she’d had enough and got her tubes tied.

Commentary:

We see here that even back in the day there were tons of cults all over the place, some messed up enough to have suicide pacts and kill off all their members.  Not much has changed with the FBI either it appears.

Another great example of God both hanging out in whore houses, and blessing plural marriage.  I’m not sure how many more examples of that you need before we start opening up the churches and put a stop to all this monogamy stuff once and for all.