Genesis Chapter 30

1 Rachel discovered that she couldn’t have any children, so even though Jacob spent most of his time with her she became jealous.  She said to Jacob; “Give me children, or I’ll stop bothering to have sex with you.”

 

2 Jacob got pretty upset with that for obvious reasons, he said; “Do I look like God to you?  He’s the one that made you not able to have children.”

3 Then she said; “Well fine, if I can’t have children, make some children with my slave girl and I’ll pretend they’re mine.”

4 Jacob said; “So let me get this right, you want me to have lots of sex with your slave so she has children?  Ok.”

5 So Bilhah became pregnant and had a son.

6 Then Rachel said; “Give me that!  Here you can have this T-Shirt instead”  And took the child as her own.

7 Bilhah became pregnant again.

8 Then Rachel said; “Wooohooo, getting closer to my Sister, just a few more.”

9 Leah started to get worried now that Rachel was having childen, and since she couldn’t have any more she gave Jacob her slave to make more children.

10 So Zilpah had a son by Jacob.

11 Then Leah said; “Ha! You’ll never catch up now!”

12 Zilpah had another son.

13 Leah said; “That makes six for me!  I’ll be able to start a volleyball team!”

14 A random son of Leah went out to the fields during harvest and gathered mandrake plants.  Rachel said to Leah; “Pass some of those over this way.”

15 Leah said to her; “What will you pay for them?”  Rachel said; “I’ll give you Jacob for the night.  I’ve got him whipped, he pretty much does what I tell him to.”

16 Leah went out to meet Jacob when he came in from the fields that night, “Rachel says you’re having sex with me tonight, lets go.”  So Jacob went with Leah and they had sex.

17 Somehow Leah became pregnant again.

18 Leah said; “I guess the doctor I went to see didn’t do a very good job.”

19 Leah became pregnant again.

20 Then Leah said; “Surely with so many I’ve won the battle with Rachel, she still only has two.”

21 Leah also had a daughter.

22 Then a miracle happened, and God took credit for it.

23 Rachel became pregnant and had a son.

24 She said; “Wow, that sucks, I wish I hadn’t asked God to fix me.”

25 After Rachel had her child Jacob went to Laban, he said; “I need to get out of here.”

26 “I’ll take my wives and children, but soon I’m going to have a whole village the way they keep giving me women.”

27 But Laban said to him; “I’d rather you stuck around, you’re a good worked, and with you around I don’t have to do much.”

28 He continued; “Just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.”

29 Jacob said to him; “Well it’s true that I’m the best worker you’ve got.”

30 “You only had a little crappy herd when I got here, but now it’s big and prosperous, but what do I have?”

31 Laban asked; “Well what do you want?”

32 “I’ll go through all the flocks today and take the speckled, spotted, striped, or otherwise imperfect ones.”

33 “That way we’ll always know who owns which animals, I’ll have speckled and spotted ones, and yours will be all plain.”

34 “Deal.” Said Laban.

35 Before Jacob could get out there Laban removed all the imperfect animals from his flocks.

36 He had his sons take them far away so Jacob would never know he cheated him.  Laban had gotten good at cheating Jacob over the years.

37 Jacob knew what had happened, so he prepared some white paint.

38 Then he waited for the animals to mate.

39 And when they did he quickly painted spots and stripes on the little ones.

40 Then he took the spotted and striped ones and started his own flock.

41 Every time the strong animals had babies Jacob painted them and would take them as his own.

42 But if the animals were weak he wouldn’t paint them and let Laban keep them.

43 In that way Jacob became very rich and screwed over Laban all in one stroke.

Commentary:

Well Laban was a busy guy, and not just in the fields.  Not sure what was going on with his wives wanting to have children so badly that they just handed over more women for him to have sex with.  I guess as Laban he couldn’t really complain much.  So far he’s the only one that is actually being blessed with the thousands of children by God, even after he told God he didn’t care about them.  Maybe that was the secret.

Also love the swindling by both the guys at the end there.  First Laban cheating Jacob, then the other way around.  Not sure how he got away with painting the animals, but all the power to him.

Genesis Chapter 29

1 So after the night of the weird dream and talking to God, Jacob continued on his journey

2 The he saw a well in a field.  Three groups of people were lying dead around the well

3 Apparently it was suicide pact day out in the country.

4 Jacob said to the FBI investigators; “You guys got here quick.”  They answered; “Slow week at the office.”

5 “I don’t suppose you know a guy who runs a whore house around here?”  asked Jacob.  “Yeah we were there last night,” answered the men.

6 Then Jacob asked them; “How are the girls?”  “Very hawt,” said the guys.  “Here comes one of them now.”

7 “Hey thanks for the help - are you guys going to be here much longer?”

8 “Yeah, we just got started – still have to test the well water.”

9 Jacob was still talking with them when Rachel showed up with a bunch of her friends from the brothel

10 Rachel worked at the same place that his Mother had worked.  When Jacob saw Rachel he lost control of himself.

11 He grabbed her and kissed her, then she slapped him and he began to sob loudly.

12 He told Rachel who his Mother was and that he was there to find a wife.  Rachel ran home to tell her pimp that another rich man had shown up to find a woman.

13 As soon as Laban heard the news he hurried out to meet Jacob, then hurried him back to the brothel without even discussing price.

14 “We still talk about that servant that showed up here, you have big shoes to fill!”  Jacob stayed a full month.

15 Then Jacob’s money ran out and Laban said to him.  “No freeloaders stay here, you’re going to have to start working for your stay.”

16 Laban had two daughters, Leah and Rachel.

17 Leah was older and a blonde, Rachel was a red head with a nice figure.

18 Jacob had been spending a lot of time with Rachel and he was in to her, so he said; “I’ve made up my mind, I want to marry Rachel – but I spent my dowry, how long will I have to work to pay for her?”

19 “Seven years,” said Laban.  “Seven years!!” exclaimed Jacob, “That’s highway robbery … I’ll do it.”

20 So Jacob worked for seven years – it seemed like forever, but finally it was over.

21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Ok, I’m done, now give me my wife.”

22 So Laban brought everyone together, and had a big dinner.

23 He got everyone drunk, especially Jacob, and then gave Leah over as the bride.  Jacob didn’t know the difference and made love to her.

24 Laban threw in a female slave as his present to the bride and groom.

25 When Jacob woke up the next morning Leah was next to him.  He said to Laban, “Man you were drunk last night you gave me the wrong daughter, where is Rachel?”

26 Laban replied; “You have to marry the older daughter first, what am I going to do with an old maid?”

27 “Listen you finish the wedding week with that one, then you can marry Rachel – but after the second wedding you have to work another seven years.”

28 So Jacob messed around with Leah for a week then married Rachel.

29 Laban gave them another slave on their wedding night; he was anything but original with his presents.

30 Jacob had a larger bed built to accommodate all his women.

31 God was at the wedding party and he saw that Jacob didn’t love Leah as much as Rachel, so he did Jacob a favour.  He made Leah able to have children, but Rachel was infertile so they could have as much sex as they wanted and Jacob could still have children.

32 Leah became pregnant and had a son

33 Again.

34 And again.

35 And again.  Then she’d had enough and got her tubes tied.

Commentary:

We see here that even back in the day there were tons of cults all over the place, some messed up enough to have suicide pacts and kill off all their members.  Not much has changed with the FBI either it appears.

Another great example of God both hanging out in whore houses, and blessing plural marriage.  I’m not sure how many more examples of that you need before we start opening up the churches and put a stop to all this monogamy stuff once and for all.

Genesis Chapter 28

1 So Isaac dragged Jacob out from under his bed where he’d been trying to hide.  He commanded him, “Your mother doesn’t want you to marry an inexperienced woman.”

2 “Get out of here and go hang out at the brothel where your mother came from and find a wife there.”

3 “Don’t let God con you with that ‘I’ll give you lots of children’ crap.  Handle it yourself.”

4 “And if you don’t know how to do that by now I’ve lost all hope for you, you’ve spent enough time around your Mother, just ask her about when she was younger.”

5 Isaac threw Jacob out of the tent and sent him packing.

6 Esau found out that Isaac had sent Jacob off to find an experienced wife.

7 He also learned that Jacob had done as he was told

8 Then Esau realized that his father must be disappointed with the wives he had since they’d been inexperienced when he married them. 

9 So he went off to the closest whorehouse and found a third wife.

10 So Jacob went off to find a wife.

11 He got tired of walking and found a place to camp out.

12 He dreamed of an escalator from heaven to Earth with God and other people riding it up and down.

13 God stood at the top of the escalator and he said; “I’m God, and if you treat me proper I’ll make sure you have lots of children.”

14 “And they’ll cover the earth inheriting the land you are laying on.”

15 “You just have to accept a part of me that will travel with you, so come on up here and turn around.”

16 Jacob jerked awake, then he thought ‘Dad was right, good thing he warned me – I wish God would stay out of my dreams’

17 Jacob was kind of scared as he looked around; “Maybe it has something to do with this place, I should warn people, if the escalator leading to heaven is here they might want to steer clear.”

18 So early the next morning he took a stone and stood it upright, then peed on it.

 

19 He called the place ‘Bethel’ which means ‘Place of crazy dreams’

20 Then Jacob called up to God

21 “Stay out of my head will you?”

22 “Now I put this stone here to warn people, leave it alone so they get the message.”

Commentary:

They were really all about the experienced women back in the day.  Obviously they didn’t look down on women who didn’t have a lot of skills to sell.  Making it illegal is a crime against God!

Here comes God again with his voice from above telling someone he is going to give them lots of children etc. etc.  That must be his only line to get people to do what he wants.  I’m glad they finally saw through his shallow promises.  Though I can’t say I relate to the warning Jacob left, I guess you make do with what you have.

Genesis Chapter 27

1 Isaac was old and needed glasses that weren’t invented yet.  One day he called Esau in to see him.

2 Isaac said, “I’m old and need someone to invent glasses, but I’ll probably die before that happens.”

3 “So since I can’t do it myself, go hunt and bring me some tasty food to eat, your mother’s cooking is getting worse all the time.”

4 “If you do that I’ll pat you on the head”.

5 Rebekah had been listening at the back of the tent.  She didn’t think her cooking had gone downhill.

6 So she went to Jacob; “Get over here, I’ve got something to tell you.”

7 “Your father told Esau to go prepare him some tasty food before he dies, we all know that your brother can’t cook if his life depended on it, and he might end up killing your father.”

8 “So listen up.”

9 “Go out and get some goats and I’ll make your father some tasty food.”

10 “I’ll show him – making light of my cooking skills, hmphf!”

11 Jacob said to his mother, “But what if he wants to pat me on the head or something?|

12 He’ll know I’m not Esau, he’s all hairy and gross.”

13 His mother said to him; “Quit being such a baby and do what I told you.”

14 So Jacob went and got the goats and his mother cooked some tasty food.

15 She also went and stole some of Esau’s clothes that were hanging out to dry and gave them to Jacob.

16 Then she covered his hands in goat skin.

17 And finally gave him the food to take to his father.  Which smelled awful but Jacob didn’t say anything.

18 Then he went in to see his father; “What’s hanging Pop?”  Isaac looked around blindly; “Which one are you?”

19 Jacob lied; “I’m Esau, the big ugly hairy one – I’ve got some food here like you wanted, sit up and eat it.”

20 Isaac asked; “You’re back from hunting already?  Even God doesn’t hunt that fast and he just calls the animals to him when he gets hungry.”  Jacob replied; “Maybe God was being good to me, he knows you were pretty hungry.”

21 Then Isaac said; “Come over here so I can feel you up to make sure you’re hairy – you wouldn’t be playing a trick on an old blind man would you?”

22 Jacob held out his hands and Isaac fondled them – he said; “Well you sure sound like Jacob, did you get in to the hair growth formula God and I have been working on?”

23 Jacob didn’t say anything.

24 “You’re really Jacob aren’t you?” asked Isaac.

25 “No, I am Esau,” lied Jacob again.  “Just eat your food will you?”  And Isaac ate some of the food.

26 Then Isaac said, “This tastes like the crap your mother makes, you should stop taking lessons from her.  Come over here anyway and give me a big sloppy kiss like we always do.”

27 So Jacob went to him and kissed him.  Isaac smelled his clothes and pushed him away.

28 “Jacob you’re disgusting, you’re dressed like him, hairy like him but you sure don’t kiss like him.”

29 “Nice try though, tell your mother to stop trying to poison me with that food she keeps cooking.”

30 So Jacob left.

31 Then Esau came back from hunting.  He had cooked some food and brought it in to his Father.  “Hey Pop, I’ve got your wild meat here.”

32 “Is that you again Jacob?”  - “No It’s Esau,” said Esau.

33 “Fool me once shame on me!” said Isaac and wagged his finger at Esau.  “Besides I already ate that other garbage you brought me, I’m not hungry any more.”

34 Esau started sobbing; “But I made it especially for you, you have to eat mine too!”

35 But Isaac said, “No Jacob came in here and tricked me in to eating, I’m an old man I can’t eat like I used to.”

36 Esau said, “That’s twice he cheated me – didn’t you save any room for dessert?”

37 “Oh Grow up,” said Isaac.  “It’s just food, I’m full – get over it.”

38 Esau said, “Just a bite, have a bite!”  Then he sobbed loudly.

39 “Oh fine, let me have that.”  Said Isaac.

40 And he took a bite of it.

41 Esau was pretty pissed, Jacob was always up in his business.  So he said to himself, “Well when Father dies he won’t be able to stop me from killing Jacob.”

42 A tattler went running to Rebekah and told her what Esau was saying.  She told Jacob, “I think you went too far this time, Esau is thinking about killing you.”

43 “So you’d better take off and lay low for a while.”

44 “No, don’t try to blame this on me, it’s your own fault – now get out of here.”

45 “I’ll send for you when he calms down.”

46 Then Rebekah said to Isaac, “If you complain about my cooking one more time I’ll stop cooking for you.”  Isaac replied; “Your cooking sucks.”

Commentary:

I’m not sure exactly what the big deal was about who got to feed Isaac, but they both really seemed to want to do it themselves.  Moral of the story is:  If you can’t fool an old blind man it’s time to run away and hide.

Lots of fratricide in the bible so far, all the time brothers wanting to kill each other, it’s a miracle enough of them survived to make it this far.

Genesis Chapter 26

1 Isaac was broke, so following in his father’s footsteps he headed to Gerar where Abimelech was king.

2 God came walking up the road from Egypt and waved Isaac back.  He said; “Don’t go down there.”

3 “Why don’t you listen like your father did, stay here, I told your father that I’d give all these lands to his children, which will be your children.”

4 “And it looks like you actually sleep with your wife, so you might actually have enough children to keep hold of it.”

5 “You know your father always did what he was told, so just be a good boy like he was and I’ll take care of you too.”

6 So Isaac stayed in Gerar.

7 The men there asked about his wife, and he followed his father’s lead and said she was his sister.  She was beautiful, and it always seemed to work out well for his father – though his wife seemed to want the money up front instead of waiting to get paid afterward.

8 Isaac had been there for quite a while before he slipped up and the king saw him molesting his ‘sister’.

9 So Abimelech sent for Isaac.  He said; “Did you think that stupid trick would work again, we learned after your father was here not to mess around with strange women.”  Isaac replied, “Well I figured it was worth a shot, I’m pretty broke at the moment and she’s used to earning money this way.”

10 Then Abimelech said, “Yeah and if we’d taken her up on her offers of sex for pay you’d have made us feel guilty afterward about sleeping with your wife and called on your friend God to curse us or something unless we bought you off.”

11 So Abimelech grabbed the loud speaker and said in to it; “No one is to sleep with Isaac’s hooker/wife, any man who does will be put to death – any woman that does will be recorded and put on youtube.”

12 Since his first plan failed Isaac planted some crops.  Then gathered a bunch of hungry men around him and started raiding other farms, when people asked where he got the crops he would say that God had blessed his field and it yielded more than it appeared to.

13 In this way the surrounding people became poor and Isaac became rich.  He didn’t limit his raiding to crops, he raided the whole countryside.

14 In the end he had flocks, slaves, herds, gold and silver.  But the pretence of God having blessed him didn’t last forever.  Eventually people started to wonder how he grew gold in his fields.

15 So to get Isaac to leave they filled in all his wells with dirt

16 Abimelech said to him; “Get out of here, you’re robbing my people – if you stay around any longer I’ll see how you like being raided.”

17 So Isaac and his troupe left in a hurry.

18 They got far enough away that Isaac figured Abimelech would leave them alone, then he set his people to digging new wells.  Water was important.

19 In the first well they discovered water

20 But the people nearby showed up with their lawyers and disputed their water rights.  Since they didn’t have a water rights contract Isaac was forced to leave.

21 Then they dug another well – and again lawyers plagued him about water rights, so he left it alone.  He named the well Sitnah, which means ‘where to drown lawyers’.

22 Moving on they dug another well.  They were far enough away by that point that no one cared if they used the water so he named it Rehoboth, which means ‘middle of nowhere’.  He said, “Finally no one is bitching about where we settle down, time to rob the rich and give to me again!”

23 From there Isaac walked to Beersheba one night

24 He ran in to God on the road.  God said; “I’m kind of lonely Isaac.  Come over here, I’ll show you how to increase the number of your children, and I’ll bless you … all you have to do is … “

25 Isaac waved God off, “Stay out of my tent, I don’t swing that way – I know you and my father were ‘buddies’, you can’t fool me with that ‘increasing the number of your children’ bit.”  Isaac set up his tent and locked it shut, just in case.

26 When Isaac got back he found Abimelech waiting for him, with his advisor and military commander.

27 Isaac asked them, “What do you want now?  I haven’t had time to raise an army to come back and invade you, I’m not on your land anymore you can’t banish me any further.”

28 They answered, “We were kind of worried that’s what you were planning, and if God decides to actually help you out things would go pretty badly for us.  So we came to make peace so you don’t invade us.”

29 “Just, promise that you won’t sick God on us – we didn’t really do you any harm, and let you take away all the stuff you looted.”  Isaac said, “Smoking the peace pipe on an empty stomach can make you pretty sick, so lets eat!”

30 Then Isaac had a big dinner prepared, and they ate. 

31 Then they smoked the peace pipe.  Abimelech danced with a fruit and his advisors ran around terrified of some type of giant purple monster.  The next morning they left.

32 That day Isaac’s servants came to him and told them they’d dug another well and found water – they were quite excited.

33 Isaac said; “WTF are you digging more wells for?  We have lots of water – don’t you have enough work to do?  Starting tomorrow you four are digging new latrines.”

34 When Esau was 40 years old he married Judith.  He also married Basemath.  He would have married more, but discovered quickly why men usually only married one at a time.

35 Isaac was jealous and Rebekah was upset with him.

Commentary:

Hilarious that Isaac tried the same trick his father used.  I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.  Good thing the king knew what was going on this time – its like an early form of welfare or something from the state, pretend your wife is your sister then guilt people in to giving you free cash!

I think Isaac got the Robin hood thing backwards, or maybe took it too far.  I’m not sure how long he was hoping for that lie to keep him going.  I mean telling people God was providing for you while their stuff was going missing is kind of suspicious.

Another example of polygamy right here.  Not sure why marriage got shrunk down to just two people.  Apparently you could marry whoever you wanted back in the old days – why Abraham married another man, how much more liberal can you get?  God obviously doesn’t judge sexuality (especially considering he was trying to get Isaac to polish his royal sceptre).

Genesis Chapter 25

1 Abraham married one of the Drag queens from the his favourite touring show.

2 They couldn’t have any children

3 Which was OK since Abraham was getting old and senile, so he kept thinking that random children belonged to him.

4 In that way he ended up with a ton of sons to claim as his own, he renamed them all of course since he didn’t know their true names.

5 Isaac found Abraham’s will one day, which said that he was leaving everything to Isaac. 

6 Even though Abraham often gave gifts to his new ‘adopted children’

7 Isaac was kind of worried there wouldn’t be anything left for his inheritance

8 So before it got out of hand Isaac smothered Abraham in his sleep.

9 Isaac buried his father in the family crypt that Abraham had purchased to house Sarah.

10 Then he threw a huge party where everyone got drunk and had a great time.

11 Even God came to the funeral and gave his condolences to Isaac.  He’d been friends with Abraham for quite a few years. 

12 Now to Ishmael, whom God had plans for.

13 He had lots of sons.

14 They all had names.

 

15 Some of them were funny names

16 All of them were his sons, and they all hated each other, so they all lived in separate camps with separate followers.

17 With his last breath Ishmael decreed that the last son left standing would inherit everything of his.

18 His children started a huge war that escalated to all the other nearby tribes since none of them were friendly neighbours.

19 Now to Isaac.

20 Isaac married the two prostitutes that the servant had brought back for him and became the first father of polygamy. 

21 Rebekah couldn’t have children – so one day when God was over hanging out Isaac asked him if he could do anything about it.  God agreed to help out and went to see Rebekah.  She miraculously became pregnant that very night.

22 Pregnant with twins actually, who immediately hated each other and would fight in her stomach.  She went to God and said; “Take them out!  I’m done being pregnant!”

23 God said to her; “Blame Eve, I cursed women because of her.”

24 Rebekah gave birth to twin boys

25 The first one was red and covered in hair, they named him Esau

26 The second one was holding Esau’s ankle so he didn’t have to do any work – they named him Jacob.

27 The two grew up.  Isaac loved Esau more because he was a hunter. 

28 Rebekah loved Jacob more because he was quiet and mannerly and stayed at home.

29 One day Jacob was cooking when Esau came back empty handed from hunting. 

30 Esau said to Jacob; “That smells great, let me have some.”

31 Jacob served himself a bowl and began eating it as he watched Esau – “Are you hungry?  It’s quite good, I don’t think there’s enough for you though, sorry.”

32 “I’m literally dying of hunger over here!”  said Esau.  “I’ll give you everything I own for a bowl of stew.”

33 Jacob made a face, “You’re using literally wrong, but if you promise to give me everything you own and will own in the future I’ll forgive you and give you some stew anyway.”  Esau promised him and sold all his rights as the oldest son.

34 Jacob gave him some bread and stew.  Esau ate and left.

Commentary:

Interesting family Abraham had, but it was definitely his time to go.  God would have probably made him live forever since they seemed like such good buddies. 

More boring lists of names here.  I’ve skipped them all because I don’t feel like typoing them all over again.  They aren’t important anyway. 

Interesting way to decided succession Ishmael had though.  I would have liked to see his son’s faces when he told them what he wanted them to do.  “Bring me my paper – you and you, fight to the death!  And you, and you too!”

I’m also disappointed with Isaac’s sons.  One of them cheated the other who didn’t seem to care about his inheritance.  What are children coming to these days, we’re back to Cain and Abel times again?

Genesis 24

1 After Sarah died Abraham was starting to feel the years creeping up on him. 

2 His best servant was basically running things at this point.  Abraham called him in one day.  He said; “Put your hand here, yes on my rod of worship.”

3 “You know how we do things here, this is how you make a promise to God.  These Canaanite people, they aren’t good enough for my son.”

4 “Promise me that you’ll go back to the land of the giant crap and get a proper wife for my son.  Someone talented that will keep him happy.”

5 The servant asked, “Suppose she doesn’t want to come back, should I purchase or kidnap her?  Wouldn’t it be easier to just send your son back to find his own wife?”

6 “No, make sure my son never goes back there, God shit on us and stole my land.”

7 “God said he’d give me that land, and he ruined it – now he said he’ll give me some other land so we’re leaving that shitty place behind.”

8 “If the woman doesn’t want to come back with you … be more convincing, and don’t bother coming back empty handed.”

9 So the servant finished Abraham off and promised that he would do what was asked.

10 The servant commandeered a bunch of camels, goods, money, gifts, and anything else he could find a reason to take with him.  He then made his way drinking and carousing all the way to Nahor.

11 He stopped near a well outside the town.  He set up camp – it was getting late and he didn’t feel like travelling all the way in to town that night.

12 Then the servant prayed to God hoping he was in the area and could give him a hand with this; “Hey God, I know you and my Master are pretty tight – I’ve been out on the road for quite a while now and I’m getting kind of homesick.”

13 “I’m out here by the well, some women will probably be coming down here soon to get water – how about if we make a deal.”  Some women were even now coming down to get water from the well.

14 “How about, I’ll speak to a young woman and I’ll say – Can I have something to drink?”  A woman passing by stopped and offered him some water.  He looked her over for a moment then shook his head.  “She’ll also have to offer to get water for the camels.”  Another woman offered to give him and to give some to his camels as well.  He ignored her.  “And she needs to be experienced - that’s how I’ll know you sent her for my Master’s son.”

15 When he had finished praying he looked up, there was a line of women heading to the well.  He went among them.

16 He asked one; “Are you a virgin.”  She was, and he moved along.  Then a beautiful woman passed him by and went to draw water. 

17 The servant followed her and asked, “Can I have a drink?”

18 “You can’t afford me,” she replied.  “You’re perfect!”  He replied. 

19 “Come over to my camels, I surely can afford you, but I have another proposition.”

20 So she came to the camels and emptied the water for them to drink while they talked. 

21 The servant watched her closely while they talked, she was lovely and experienced, and gave his camels water, she was perfect!

22 The camels finished drinking and the man took out a nose ring and some bracelets. 

23 “I’ll give these to you if we can spend the night together, I have to make sure you’re experienced for my Master’s son.”

24 She answered, “I work at the Brothel down the road.”

25 She continued; “I’m sure we can make room for you somewhere, and your camels, as long as you can pay.”

26 Then the man bowed down and pulled out his Phallus to worship the lord.

27 “God, you didn’t let me down, I found the perfect woman for my Master’s son, and it’s all because of you!”

28 All the women ran away screaming in fright at the sight of his nakedness – including Rebekah.

29 God came wandering down the road after the women had run off.

30 “Put that away you old fool,” he said to the servant.”

31 “Now you’ve scared them all off, don’t just stand there, get your camels and go down to the brothel.  Why did you pick the prostitue?  I sent all those other nice girls to you … no matter now I guess.”

32 So the servant went to the brothel and packed the camels in to the stable. 

33 He went inside and found that dinner was already being set out.  “Hold on, everyone stop eating, I want to talk to you,” said the servant. 

34 They all boo’d and threw food at him.  He waved his hands about in the air, “Hey listen up!  My master is Abraham, and he’s best friends with God who will smite you silly if you keep throwing food at me.”  The booing got louder.

35 “My master is also rich!”  No change.

36 “My Master’s son needs a wife.”

37 “You think I’d be out here by choice?  But I made a promise and there is this woman named Rebekah that works here, she might have come running back screaming, but I need her really badly.”

38 “I still think that God led me to her in the first place, though he seemed to indicate that he hadn’t – no matter.”

39 “So if you can just point me to where she went I’ll leave you all alone.”

40 “Pay at the counter.”  One of the men said.

41 So the servant paid the man at the counter and asked him.

42 He said to the man quietly while he was paying, “You know today at the spring I asked God to send me the perfect woman.”

43 And the servant recounted his time at the well

44 And the guy behind the counter pretended to pay attention but didn’t care in the least

45 “And then there was Rebekah standing there, looking all yummy – she thought I couldn’t afford her, I know I may not look like much, but I’ve got enough money for 10 people.”

46 A group of Bandits looked up from the nearby table.

47 “Then I asked her where she lived, and she told me she worked here, I even gave her a nose ring and bracelets to seal the deal.”

48 “But then I pulled out my manhood and was about to worship the god when they all ran off screaming, do you believe that?”

49 “Anyway, can you tell me where she is?  We have business to finish.”

50 The man answered, “Well since God set this all up.”

51 “Maybe he meant for you to have a threesome, how about another girl joins you?”

52 The servant’s face lit up hearing those words and he dug deep.

53 He brought out a bunch of silver and gold to pay for the extra and gave it all to the man.

54 Then Abraham’s servant spent the night there.  In the morning he asked Rebekah to come back with him.

55 But the pimp said; “Hey!  Go find your own talent, it takes a long time to get a girl with as much talent as Rebekah.  I’ll need a few days to find a replacement”

56 And the servant replied; “I can’t wait, I need to get back.”

57 But the pimp offered a 2 for one special, so the servant hung around for a few days and spent most of the rest of his money.

58 Then the day came and Rebekah agreed to finally leave with the servant.

59 The other girl from the threesomes also begged to be brought along, so they took her as well.

60 And the pimp told her that if things didn’t work out she’d always have a job there.

61 Then the three of them left with the camels.

62 Isaac had just come back from a leadership seminar.

63 He’d been away for a while, and one night went out in the field with a few of the female slaves to have some alone time.  On the way to the fields he saw camels approaching.

64 Rebekah saw Isaac standing in the field.

65 She asked the servant, “Who is that ugly skinny guy staring at us?”  The servant answered, “That is my master’s son.”  So she took her veil and covered her face to hide her disappointment, “Good thing he’s rich.”

66 Then the servant told Isaac that the women were for him.

67 So Isaac took Rebekah and her friend to his tent, and there they spent the next few days.  In the end they were both satisfied and got married.

Commentary:

Its too bad it isn’t this easy any more.  ‘Hey God, I need a wife, can you send one down here for me?’  And God sends a bunch of young women just perfect for you down for you to pick from.  None of this dating thing, or get to know you thing.  Just ‘Hey I’ve got a lot of money, do you want to get married?’

Well – maybe that is how it works nowadays, not being rich I can’t be sure.

The servant sure did talk a lot though, I don’t think anyone at the brothel cared about what God had to do with anything.  You get that a lot in church though, one guy talking about how great God is and how he arranged everything, and 50 other people waiting for him to finish so they can get back on with their lives.  Maybe the servant was the first preacher?  Its possible.

Genesis Chapter 23

1 Sarah lived longer than she was supposed to.

2 She died somewhere in Canaan.  Her death didn’t really bother Abraham much.  He went to where her body was lying, and there he nudged her with his foot to make sure she was finally dead.

3 Then Abraham called over one of his friends, he said;

4 “I suppose I have to bury her now, she was my wife afterall.”

5 The man replied to Abraham

6 “I have a cousin with a great piece of property.  Fit for a King, or perhaps a Queen yes?  I’m sure price is no object, he would be happy to sell it to you, and maybe a small finders fee for me yes?  It has a lovely view of the ocean, it is dark, but dry and has a big lovely white stone to seal it with.”

7 Then Abraham rubbed his chin considering the proposal

8 He said to them; “Well I suppose she was my Queen, but maybe something less scenic?  What about Zoltan’s son Ephron?”

9 “Doesn’t he have that cave in the middle of the swamp?  You think he’d sell it to me?”

10 Ephron was there at the time.

11 He replied to Abraham; “I’m saving that for my Mother-in-law.”

12 Abraham cursed and turned back to the first guy.

13 “Ok, what is this place going to cost me?”

14 The first guy replied;

15 “I’m not sure if it’s for sale any longer, good caves are hard to come by these days.”

16 Abraham restrained himself from strangling the man through sheer force of will.  “But just a few minutes ago you were trying to sell it to me.”  The man shrugged, “A lot can happen in a few minutes.”  Abraham called up his slaves with his silver getting the impression this was going to be quite costly.

17  In the end Abraham paid the price with a hefty finders fee.

18 He wasn’t happy about it, but he didn’t want to look bad in front of the others.

19 Then Abraham buried his wife in the cave he had bought

20 And locked her in with a giant stone, he didn’t want her coming back.  Then he did a little happy dance and ran off to have some guilt free fun with his male slaves.

Commentary:

Isn’t much to say here, nothing really happened.  I commend the guy that milked Abraham for everything he was worth – its too bad he didn’t have a friend in the crowd offering to bid higher and higher for the property, after all those gifts Abraham couldn’t have been as broke as he made out.

Genesis Chapter 22

1 Some time later God walked in to Abraham’s camp.  He called out; “Abraham, get your lazy ass over here!”  Abraham replied; “What do you want now?”

2 Then God said; “Take your Son and climb that mountain over there, then roast him over the fire, I feel like eating some first born son today.”  Abraham nodded; “Sure, I never really liked him much anyway – didn’t know you were a cannibal God, or does that count since you aren't actually human?”

3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and ordered his slaves to saddle the donkey, and chop some wood.  Then he went back to bed until noon.  When they were done they woke him once more and he gathered up his Son then set out for the mountain.  “Taking Isaac for a sacrifice on the mountain Sarah, be back in a week or so.”

4 On the third day having lost Sarah somewhere back in the mountain he saw the perfect place not far off. 

5 He said to the servants; “Go back and find Sarah, if she still insists on following you’d better tie her up or something.  I’ll find you on the way back.”

6 Abraham strapped the wood on to his son’s shoulders, he was going to be dead soon anyway so using him like a packhorse wasn’t much of a burden.  He carried the fire and knife himself.

7 Then Isaac said; “Father?”  “Oh so you can talk,” Abraham replied.  “Why do you want to roast me over a fire?”  Asked Isaac. 

8 “Well, God said he wanted to eat you, and you know we do whatever God asks right?  Besides you’re not really my son – I’ve never slept with your mother.” replied Abraham.

9 They reached the place and God was dozing against a large flat stone waiting for them.  Abraham started to arrange the wood and God woke up; “Took you long enough.”  Abraham tied up Isaac and placed him on the wood.

10 Then he unsheathed the knife to kill his son

11 But then his wife came running up the path yelling; “Abraham! Abraham!”  Sighing Abraham turned around considering killing her first; “What do you want woman?”

12 “Don’t you touch him, just because he isn’t really your son doesn’t mean you have to kill him!  God was just testing you anyway, isn’t that right God?” yelled Sarah.  God said; “I’m hungry, get on with it.”

13 Abraham looked up, Sarah was dragging a ram up the path with her.  “Wouldn’t you rather have a nice juicy ram?”  She asked.  God sighed, “Just cook me something, I told you I was hungry days ago.”

14 So Abraham named that place ‘God ate a whole sheep’.  To this day people say, ‘God, I could sure eat a whole sheep’.

15 God asked with his mouth full; “Was this ram grain fed?”

16 He said; “I still wonder what Isaac would have tasted like, but the mutton isn’t bad.  I appreciate the fact that you were willing to sacrifice him Abraham, you always do what you’re told.”

17 Waving a bone God said; “I’ll bless you with lots of children, etc. etc.  You know the stuff I usually say Abraham”

18 “Just write in a nice speech here when you record this on your blog.”

19 Then Abraham left with Sarah and Isaac.  They found the servants tied up down the path, Abraham eyed Sarah, but she didn’t say anything.

20 Sometime later God pulled out a photo album to show Abraham how well his brother was doing in the kid department.

21 Uz, Buz, etc.  Apparently his brother wasn’t that creative.

22 He had a bunch of sons

23 And was a grandfather already

24 Nahor even had a bunch of slave girls that he’d had sons by

Commentary:

It’s hard to tell if God was serious or not, Sarah got in the way before Abraham could actually do the deed.  Maybe God would have brought the kid back to life or something – that was always one of his favourite tricks.  I’m still kind of surprised that Abraham was just going to sacrifice his son … I think God kind of failed in trying to entice him to have kids of his own, he just doesn’t seem interested.

I suppose this is where the ‘eating the body of christ’ thing stems from.  God must have had some kind of obsession with consuming your own kind.

There was a bunch more name dropping that I kind of glossed over since no one really cares what the sons of Nahor’s sons were named.  The Bible is almost like a baby name book, if you see a story that you like name your kid after a main character!  We have lots of main character names for your use, surely you can find something you like?

Genesis XXI

1 And sometime during the visitation by the beggars, the tryst at the King’s place, and on the march Sarah became pregnant.  Just like God said. 

2 She gave birth to a Son, just like God had said she would.  During labour she wasn’t particularly happy about it, there was something about her ripping something off God and shoving it far enough down his throat that it came out the other end.  Afterward she mellowed out a bit.

3 Abraham named the boy Isaac, which means ‘100 fathers’ (which was definitely possible).

4 When Isaac was 8 days old Abraham circumcised him just like God told him.

5 Abraham was 100 years old at this point.

6 Sarah said; “Everyone laughs at me when I say this is my Son, why do they laugh, did God make me a cosmic joke?”

7 “They don’t believe that we could have a child and I could nurse him, but I can and I will, just wait!”

8 Abraham had decided to throw a party for the day that Isaac was going to stop nursing, he was happy that he wouldn’t have to see Sarah’s breasts on display any longer.

9 That day Sarah saw Ishmael dressing Isaac up in little girl clothes and calling him a little princess.

10 Sarah complained to Abraham; “Get rid of the slave woman and her son, they will not make Isaac into a cross dresser like his supposed father.”

11 What Sarah said upset Abraham very much, he wanted his son to follow in his footsteps – girls were icky, and he wanted his son to realize that.

12 But God had been listening in and he said; “Do what she says, I’ve got plans for Ishmael that involve a big white whale, don’t worry about him.”

13 “Or maybe that’s another Ishmael – either way I’ll look out for him.”

14 Early the next morning Abraham dumped a bucket of water on Hagar to wake her up, and give her a bath, then handed over a bottle of water and some food.  He brought them outside and handed them over to his slaves who herded them off into the desert with pointy sticks.

15 Hagar didn’t know what she was doing, so they drank all the water too fast.  Ishmael tripped and fell into a bush that he couldn’t get out of and she didn’t even notice. 

16 She wandered off and collapsed on the sand a short distance away.  “I could have sworn I was walking with my son, where did he go?”  Then she began to cry.

17 God was wandering by after waking up with an awful hangover and killer headache, the crying was more than he could take so he pulled down one of his angels to shut her up while he got as far away as possible.

The angel walked over and tapped Hagar on the shoulder, who looked up at him.  “Be quiet or I’ll give you something to cry about,” said the Angel.

18 “Now go find the boy you lost, he’s got a lot of work to do.”

19 Hagar went to find her son and the angel started digging a well.  When she got back water was pooling in the bottom of it.  They both drank.

20 God came to hang out with Ishmael every once in a while and taught him how to shoot a bow.

21 Hagar stole a woman from Egypt for Ishmael to make his wife

22 Elsewhere Abimelech and Phicol were having a chat with Abraham.  They said; “When we said you could pick anywhere to live we didn’t think you’d pick the only oasis near the city, we need this water.”

23 “And you’re using it for a sewer, we know God provides for you, but he doesn’t provide for us, so can you help us out here, we’ve been good to you haven’t we?”

24 Abraham said; “If you’d come to me in friendship, then this oasis that you need so dearly would be clean this very day.  But you don’t ask with respect, you don’t offer friendship, you don’t even think to call me ‘Oh holy mighty Prophet of the One god’.”

25 “If you want to be my friend, then that is different – there are these servants of yours, they took my original sewer well, a friend would return that to me so I didn’t have to use the oasis.”

26 Abimelech said; “Of course I want to be your friend, but isn’t that Prophet thing overdoing it a bit?”

27 Abraham said; “Perhaps.”  And they made each other friendship bracelets to wear for all time.

28 Seven slave girls came forward to Abraham and spoke with him.

29 Abimelech asked; “What is the meaning of these seven beautiful women?”

30 Abraham replied, “They want to make you an offer you can’t refuse.  And as your friend I suggest you let them present it to you … privately.”

31 That place was named Beersheba which means ‘An offer you can’t refuse’ or ‘Place of the Horny King’.

32 In the morning Abimelech walked bowlegged back to his city.

33 Abraham found a tree to carve into a giant phallus so he could worship God there

34 And he stayed there for quite a while.

Commentary:

Sarah finally had a child, maybe she’ll get off Abraham’s back now?  I’m surprised myself that she had a child that late in life, but who knows what things were like back then.

We also learn that the nation God had promised Abraham must be Sicily from the way he handled the king here, I didn’t know he had it in him.  Apparently Abraham had some kind of power we don't know about, or the king was just really afraid of what God would do to him if he didn't make peace with Abraham.  

Lastly - I do hope he wasn’t bathing in that oasis at the same time he was using it as a sewer, but I wouldn't put it past him.

Genesis XX

1 Abraham had to leave his home, the smell from the valley spread far and wide, permeating everything.

2 Since they were travelling again Abraham decided to tell people that Sarah was his sister once more, it had worked out well for him last time after all. And once again Sarah was taken by the local king.

3 God was hanging out with Abimelech (the king) one night watching his harem dancers when he spotted Sarah in among them. He reached over and tweaked Abimelech’s nose; “What are you doing with Sarah? If anything happened to Abraham I’m going to shit on your city just like I did on Sodom!”

4 But Sarah had bit Abimelech’s hand and kicked him between the legs when he tried to get with her, so he hadn’t done anything yet; “Look, I didn’t do anything to her, you don’t need to crap all over my city.”

5 “She’s just Abraham’s sister anyway, he didn’t seem upset when I dragged her off. What did I do wrong?”

6 Then God said; “You’re probably right, Abraham is always trying to get rid of her – I already cursed her once with an STD and that didn’t stop her from sleeping around. So it’s probably a good thing you didn’t get in her pants.”

7 “Now send her back to Abraham – he’s a buddy of mine. And if you keep her here sooner or later your whole palace will be infected with what she has, I’ve seen it happen before.”

8 Early the next morning Abimelech called in his officials and told them what was going on, and warned them about the STD. One ran off to see a doctor immediately. It had already started.

9 Then Abimelech had his soldiers drag Abraham in to see him. “What have you done to my kingdom? You lied to me about your sister. She is your wife and can’t be kept satisfied, it’s wrong to take her somewhere that men live.

10 “Why did you bring her here?”

11 Abraham shrugged; “Last time the Pharaoh gave me a ton of presents to take her away, I’m kind of broke at the moment so figured it was worth a second try.”

12 “Anyway, she is my sister, so I wasn’t actually lying.”

13 “I told her I’m just not in to girls, so if she told people she was my sister they wouldn’t have a problem sleeping with her, and I was right.”

14 Then Abimelech gathered up some sheep to give Abraham and brought his wife out. He handcuffed them together to make sure he couldn’t leave her behind.

15 Abimelech said; “I’ll give you some land, anywhere you want, as long as you don’t stay in the city.”

16 He said to Sarah; “It’s too bad you didn’t polish the royal sceptre, but I appreciate that you didn’t want to sicken me, so I’m letting you keep all that silver you ‘borrowed’.”

17 Then Abraham waved to God who was sitting up next to the king. “Hi God, how’s it hanging?”

18 God adjusted himself and waved back to Abraham; “Better than these fellows, don’t worry I’ll heal all of them that your wife seduced now that you’re taking her away.”


Commentary:
I think the moral of this story is something like: Fool a Pharaoh once, shame on him - Fool a King with the same trick, shame on him too.

Not sure what God is thinking here with Abraham, he seems like the worst one of the bunch so far, but God is always on his side. I’m also curious why the king went right after Sarah, she’s stretching 100 years old at this point, surely there were younger women for him to choose from? I think Sarah exudes sex and men are just helpless around her, maybe that was what God blessed her with in the beginning?