Genesis Chapter 27

1 Isaac was old and needed glasses that weren’t invented yet.  One day he called Esau in to see him.

2 Isaac said, “I’m old and need someone to invent glasses, but I’ll probably die before that happens.”

3 “So since I can’t do it myself, go hunt and bring me some tasty food to eat, your mother’s cooking is getting worse all the time.”

4 “If you do that I’ll pat you on the head”.

5 Rebekah had been listening at the back of the tent.  She didn’t think her cooking had gone downhill.

6 So she went to Jacob; “Get over here, I’ve got something to tell you.”

7 “Your father told Esau to go prepare him some tasty food before he dies, we all know that your brother can’t cook if his life depended on it, and he might end up killing your father.”

8 “So listen up.”

9 “Go out and get some goats and I’ll make your father some tasty food.”

10 “I’ll show him – making light of my cooking skills, hmphf!”

11 Jacob said to his mother, “But what if he wants to pat me on the head or something?|

12 He’ll know I’m not Esau, he’s all hairy and gross.”

13 His mother said to him; “Quit being such a baby and do what I told you.”

14 So Jacob went and got the goats and his mother cooked some tasty food.

15 She also went and stole some of Esau’s clothes that were hanging out to dry and gave them to Jacob.

16 Then she covered his hands in goat skin.

17 And finally gave him the food to take to his father.  Which smelled awful but Jacob didn’t say anything.

18 Then he went in to see his father; “What’s hanging Pop?”  Isaac looked around blindly; “Which one are you?”

19 Jacob lied; “I’m Esau, the big ugly hairy one – I’ve got some food here like you wanted, sit up and eat it.”

20 Isaac asked; “You’re back from hunting already?  Even God doesn’t hunt that fast and he just calls the animals to him when he gets hungry.”  Jacob replied; “Maybe God was being good to me, he knows you were pretty hungry.”

21 Then Isaac said; “Come over here so I can feel you up to make sure you’re hairy – you wouldn’t be playing a trick on an old blind man would you?”

22 Jacob held out his hands and Isaac fondled them – he said; “Well you sure sound like Jacob, did you get in to the hair growth formula God and I have been working on?”

23 Jacob didn’t say anything.

24 “You’re really Jacob aren’t you?” asked Isaac.

25 “No, I am Esau,” lied Jacob again.  “Just eat your food will you?”  And Isaac ate some of the food.

26 Then Isaac said, “This tastes like the crap your mother makes, you should stop taking lessons from her.  Come over here anyway and give me a big sloppy kiss like we always do.”

27 So Jacob went to him and kissed him.  Isaac smelled his clothes and pushed him away.

28 “Jacob you’re disgusting, you’re dressed like him, hairy like him but you sure don’t kiss like him.”

29 “Nice try though, tell your mother to stop trying to poison me with that food she keeps cooking.”

30 So Jacob left.

31 Then Esau came back from hunting.  He had cooked some food and brought it in to his Father.  “Hey Pop, I’ve got your wild meat here.”

32 “Is that you again Jacob?”  - “No It’s Esau,” said Esau.

33 “Fool me once shame on me!” said Isaac and wagged his finger at Esau.  “Besides I already ate that other garbage you brought me, I’m not hungry any more.”

34 Esau started sobbing; “But I made it especially for you, you have to eat mine too!”

35 But Isaac said, “No Jacob came in here and tricked me in to eating, I’m an old man I can’t eat like I used to.”

36 Esau said, “That’s twice he cheated me – didn’t you save any room for dessert?”

37 “Oh Grow up,” said Isaac.  “It’s just food, I’m full – get over it.”

38 Esau said, “Just a bite, have a bite!”  Then he sobbed loudly.

39 “Oh fine, let me have that.”  Said Isaac.

40 And he took a bite of it.

41 Esau was pretty pissed, Jacob was always up in his business.  So he said to himself, “Well when Father dies he won’t be able to stop me from killing Jacob.”

42 A tattler went running to Rebekah and told her what Esau was saying.  She told Jacob, “I think you went too far this time, Esau is thinking about killing you.”

43 “So you’d better take off and lay low for a while.”

44 “No, don’t try to blame this on me, it’s your own fault – now get out of here.”

45 “I’ll send for you when he calms down.”

46 Then Rebekah said to Isaac, “If you complain about my cooking one more time I’ll stop cooking for you.”  Isaac replied; “Your cooking sucks.”

Commentary:

I’m not sure exactly what the big deal was about who got to feed Isaac, but they both really seemed to want to do it themselves.  Moral of the story is:  If you can’t fool an old blind man it’s time to run away and hide.

Lots of fratricide in the bible so far, all the time brothers wanting to kill each other, it’s a miracle enough of them survived to make it this far.