Genesis II

1 And with that Space and the Earth were finished – and God couldn’t figure out what to do next.

2 On the Seventh day God had planned to rest, after all he had done a lot of work. But that was when the dinosaurs ate the man and woman. God was incensed, and a bit worried – if the dinosaurs could eat the two he had made in his image, could they eat him as well?

3 So it was on the seventh day that god first showed his true colors – his wrath striking down all the dinosaurs, smashing them down so far into the ground that they would never trouble anyone again.

4 This is the history of the first week when space and the planets were created. When God made all living beings, and when the dinosaurs were destroyed due to their offense.

5 The earth at this point was still barren, only wild plants grew – and there was no man left to till the soil. God had invented the concept of rain, but had not felt the need to cry just yet.

6 But he did sigh in exasperation, and that sigh created a cloud of vapour and mist and dust that blew across the whole surface of the world.

7 When the sigh returned to him God fashioned a new man out of the mists. The man appeared dead, but God quickly gave him mouth to nose – since mouth to mouth was not invented yet. The man coughed and spat - hitting God in the face – but he was alive!

8 And just to be safe God made a forest preserve and relocated the man out of his wild habitat to this new forest preserve. Just because all the dinosaurs were gone didn’t mean that something else couldn’t eat the man.

9 God then spent a bunch of time gardening, gathering specifically one of every type of tree, bush, shrub, grass, flower and anything else that might be tasty or nice to look at. To these he added the white leaved tree of good, and the black leaved tree of evil. Since good and evil are of course always black and white.

10 During all the gardening God had drank a lot of water – so in the end when he relieved himself behind the tree of life he created a new river that swept out of the garden. It ran aground of a ragged set of rocks and split into four separate rivers.

11 God was so delighted he named them all. The first was called the Orange River and it flowed through South Africa where there is lots of gold

12 The gold of that land is of high quality – and there are plenty of diamonds there

13 The second river is the Nile and flows through all of Egypt

14 The third river is the Tigris that flows through Assyria and the fourth is the Euphrates

15 And so God charged the man to never leave the garden, but instead to guard it and live there all of his days.

16 And God said to the man; “Go ahead and eat anything here, I’ve made it so things grow back by themselves;

17 But don’t eat the black fruit from the evil black tree, it is rotted and will kill you. Actually don’t eat any black fruit it’s all likely bad.”

18 Now the man complained to God that he was always lonely in the garden. So God said; “You’re right, being alone kind of sucks – I’ll make you a suitable slave of some sort to keep you company.”

19 So God spit on his hands and rubbed them together preparing to perform a bunch of magic. He dug a big hole and stuck his hand in, and each time he removed it he held a different animal from all over the world. Each time he told the man to say the first thing that came to mind, and that was the animal’s new name.

20 And so the man gave names to all the creatures. The Bear tried to eat him and was banished to a cave for 6 months. That put a stop to the idea of finding a wild creature to be his companion. The man then asked God for a name, and God spoke; “You are a man.” And from then on it was shortened to Adam.

21 So God fed Adam a bunch of turkey to make him sleep, then performed a quick surgery to remove one of his ribs. Then he sewed him back shut and scampered off into the garden.

22 Then God gathered the rib, sugar, spice and everything nice and made a female. Which he took to Adam.

23 Adam woke up, seeing the two standing over him he yelled; “Woah Man!” in surprise. And so she was named. Adam then said; “Hey, I’m missing a bone – her body comes from my body!”

24 This is the first ritual of a wedding, where the father escorts his daughter to a man for approval. And she will leave her father and they will be joined together as one flesh.

25 Being naked but having an audience they managed to control themselves and waited until God left before getting down to proper husband and wife business.