Genesis VIII

1 God apparently didn`t care one way or another how things went. God had forgotten to tell Noah to stockpile fresh water, so there wasn`t anything to drink. They had to scavenge from the wreckage floating about. Noah grumbled, “This is what comes from doing only what you’re told.” Finally God blew his nose and a great wind rose up sweeping the earth and started to dry things out.


2 God had finally stopped crying and the tears had stopped falling.

3 The water continued to go down – more and more bodies floated by the ark, none of them looking all that tasty even though food was getting scarce. Some people were still alive on their rafts and called up for Noah to let them aboard. But he couldn’t because the door had been nailed shut on the outside by God, and they didn’t have any rope.

4 Sometime 5 months later the Ark crashed into the mountain peak of Ararat, caving out the bottom and spilling animals and supplies out across the top of the mountain.

5 It was freezing cold this high up, they slaughtered a bunch of animals to make warmer clothes – God sure hadn’t thought this through they weren’t prepared at all. For another three months the waters continued to go down and they lived on the top of the mountain.

6 After another 40 days Noah got tired of God not passing along any info and decided to do something about it. His multiple wives were also starting to nag him something fierce about wanting to get off the mountaintop.

7 He corralled a raven and tossed it off the mountain to see where it flew off to. It just flew around until exhausted and dropped out of the sky.

8 So Noah went to find a smarter bird and ended up with a dove - which he tossed off the mountain as well.

9 Eventually the dove came back and Noah questioned it, but all it did was coo at him – which wasn’t much of an answer. Noah lectured it severely and then put it back in the ark.

10 Seven days later he retrieved it again and tossed it away.

11 That night the dove came back holding a broken stick that looked like it might have come from an olive tree at some point. Well at least it was learning how to play fetch.

12 Seven days later he sent it out once more. It must have had enough of him by now and didn’t return – at least that meant it had found somewhere else to live.

13 So they went about disassembling the ark and making wagons and such to carry their things down the mountain. Noah’s birthday came and went and no one cared.

14 By the end of the second month the earth was completely dry.

15 Then God came trudging up the mountain and walked over to Noah.

16 “Good you’re all ready to go.”

17 “What is that you’re wearing? Did you kill some of the animals! What did I tell you? They were supposed to be saved! There had better still be enough to populate the earth.”

18 To which Noah replied; “We were hungry and cold, and you forgot to have us stockpile water – this was a nightmare, I shouldn’t have listened to you at all.”

19 The man with the flute led forth all the animals and started down the mountain. The birds all took wing and flew off, only a few pelting the humans with their droppings.

20 Then God told Noah to build him an altar to commemorate the occasion. So Noah cobbled together some boards and slaughtered an animal then roasted it in God’s honour.

21 The smell was pleasant to God and he asked; “What is that you are sacrificing to me, it suits me well.” And Noah replied innocently; “It’s an ass.” And God nodded thoughtfully. Then he said to himself; “I will never put another curse upon the ground, even though man is obviously inherently evil I won’t turn all emo again and flood the earth with my tears.” And Noah snorted; “Well isn’t that a relief.”

22 And God decreed over the altar; “Until mankind destroys the earth sometime in the 21st century I’ll make sure to regulate the seasons and such to keep everything running smoothly.”



Commentary:



So – obvious poor forethought by God on this one, I suppose he was too distraught to think clearly and actually provision Noah properly – but hey it all worked out in the end. A bunch of other people look like they survived as well, probably ate the raven and dove that Noah kindly sent their way.



I think there was more going on there with the offering than Noah let on. Maybe God saw what he was saying, but after killing everyone on the planet was probably done with smiting for the day.