Genesis III

1 The serpent was the cleverest of the wild animals God had forced in to being; it was even able to speak English. The serpent said to the woman; “Did God tell you not to eat any of this delicious fruit?”

2 The woman, not shocked in the least that a wild animal was speaking to her replied; “Actually he told us to eat the animals because they taste better, are you tasty?

3 “Though he did mention something about not eating the black fruit from the tree of Evil because spoiled fruit will kill us”

4 “Oh it isn’t spoiled fruit,” the serpent said.

5 “It is the fruit of knowledge, it will let you tell the difference between good and evil – like God can.”

6 Well obviously the serpent wouldn’t lie to her, but God probably would so she took another look at the fruit. It was shrivelled and funny looking but the serpent said it was good stuff, so she took a piece and ate it. Then she threatened Adam with no more sex unless he had some too. So he did.

7 The serpent was right, the fruit made them know things they had never known before. Lust came first, since they were both naked and they pranced off into the fig trees to become one flesh

8 Then they heard God walking in the garden, because God was quite clumsy and tripped over all kinds of roots and twigs. Since they were busy they didn’t come right out but instead tried to muffle what they were doing

9 But God called to the man; “I hear you two fornicating, come out here”

10 “I heard you,” the man answered – “But we were naked and busy so I didn’t want you to see us”

11 God asked; “Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat from the tree that I said would kill you?”

12 “Yeah and you lied to us about that, which is evil!” replied the man – “But it was all the woman’s fault, she said we couldn’t have sex any more unless I ate the fruit too.”

13 So God turned to the woman and asked; “What have you done?” The woman said, “I was tricked by the serpent! I didn’t know what a lie was before I ate the fruit, this is all your fault anyway – you should have told us the truth.”

14 God was already kind of pissed at reptiles; they had eaten his first batch of humans after all. Showing his wrathful side once more he said to the serpent; “You are now cursed, I take away your legs and arms, and you will forever crawl on your stomach.” And it was so; the snake fell to the ground. “And you will eat dust as you crawl on the ground – and I curse your children, and all their children to come.

15 And I take away your own heat, you will always require outside warmth to survive – and I put hatred between you and the woman. One day her children will celebrate the day they chased you all from their land with sticks.”

16 God said to the woman; “As time goes on I will make your children have progressively smaller hips making it harder for them to give birth and causing more and more pain. Their privates will shrink until it seems impossible a child could issue from them.”

17 And God said to Adam, “You couldn’t control your lust or your woman and so ate the fruit I told you not to. So I curse your privates to shrink now and forever, and each generation will know the feeling of inadequacy – knowing somehow that their pride had shrunk but not knowing the difference.

18 And I will steal your time of leisure, forcing you to work for your food rather than have it given to you. The ground will easily yield thorns and thistles but food for you it must be coaxed to grow

19 You will work hard and sweat to produce food to eat – and when you die since from the ground you rose to the ground you will return – dust to dust.

20 Adam named his wife Eve, who would be a mother to their cursed race.

21 God slaughtered some animals to make clothes, and killed the serpent for a belt which he gave to Adam for remembrance.

22 God then said; “Now that you have become like me I can’t let you stay here – if you eat from the tree of life you’ll become my rival and Space is only big enough for one of us.”

23 So God took up a pointy stick and poked Adam and Eve, forcing them out of the forest preserve.

24 God drove them out and in their place he created cherubim with flaming swords to guard the way to the tree of life forever.

Commentary:

So here we have the first example of both a lie - and of a con artist.  Obviously these things are central to human nature.

Again God shows how easy he is moved to wrath, and how quickly he is to punish and curse generations to come from one mistake made by the parents.  Thankfully we as a people have moved past that and don't hold children responsible for their parent's crimes.  Perhaps this was the lesson we were supposed to learn?

I also find it interesting that cherubs were God's guardians.  Flying chubby midgets with flaming swords seems more comical than threatening to me.  I'm curious if the cherubs don't have an appetite, or if they ate from the tree of life and live forever now.  Maybe god didn't imbue them with free will?  I suppose we'll never know.