Genesis XIV

1 At that time there were too many kings

2 Planning to play charades - they appointed a blue team leader and he chose three others – the leftovers became the red team and were quite disgruntled about not having been chosen.

3 The five vengeful kings gathered their lady armies together in the valley of Siddim.

4 They had been planning on this day for 12 years and had put together the most vicious group of women they could find. Here on the 13th year they would put them to work.

5 For a whole year the lady armies camped there, holding mud wrestling competitions, calling lewd taunts and dancing naked around campfires under the moon. Finally the other five kings rounded up all the women from their own cities and marched to war. The blue team slapped and hair pulled their way to victory.

6 They moved on from there, not stopping, gathering more women to swell their army’s ranks. They conquered multiple kingdoms, all the way to the desert. Which the women refused to enter, citing that extreme heat was bad for the hair and complexion.

7 So they turned around to look for more prey.

8 The kings of Sodom and Gomorrah couldn’t take it any longer, and they marched out their armies of men dressed as women. Other kings joined them on their march, the song they sung ringing out through the hills; “… He was some boogie woogie bugle boy of company B …”

9 The two armies lined up and they had singing and dancing competitions throughout the night. The men quickly realized that the women had been away from home too long, they weren’t interested in fighting, they were more interested in what the men had to offer.

10 The drag army was terrified that the women would capture them and force them to act like men, so they tried to run. But the women hunted them down in groups. Some were captured, and the rest escaped into the hills.

11 With the army gone and Sodom and Gomorrah missing the four kings took everything from them.

12 Which included Lot, who had a bunch of male servants.

13 One of the servants managed to escape, his clothes in tatters and lipstick all over his face he managed to stumble his way to Abram.

14 Abram had been training an army to take over the world, so he gathered them up and chased off the four king’s armies of women.

15 During the night Abram called upon the elite legion of the Giant Phalluses. He sent them to infiltrate the camp and pacify all the women. In the morning it was done, and the enemy army broke up to return home.

16 Abram took back all the things that had been taken. To Lot he returned all his things and people.

17 After the army dispersed Abram returned

18 He stopped along the way at a McDonalds to pick up some food for his men. There was a priest of God having lunch at the same place.

19 He came over to Abram and said; “Hey friend, you look like you have a bunch of money there, think you can spare a few coins to buy me a meal? If you do I’ll bless you in Gods name!”

20 “God told me he made it so you would win your war, he created the men in your special legion afterall didn’t he? It was all his doing, so you owe him, which in turn means you owe me – I’ll collect on his behalf since he isn’t here.” And Abram, not being too bright tithed a tenth of everything to the man.

21 The King of Sodom said to Abram; “Hey that stuff is mine! Hand it over.”

22 But Abram said to the kind; “Well I can’t, I had to pay God for all his help – I met a guy at McDonalds and he told me that I owed God for winning, so I gave him part of the loot.”

23 “Besides it’s mine now, you lost it fair and square … but I suppose I can let you have it back, I wouldn’t want you to go around trying to tell people that you were the reason I was rich – I’ve got my reputation to think of.”

24 “We’ll just say that the stuff my men ate, and the things my allies skimmed off the top was my payment for helping you.”


Commentary:

I would have liked to see the war between the kings, all those women – well it would have been interesting to say the least. I don’t blame the drag army for running away, I think I’d have been scared at that moment too.

We see here the first extortion by a priest of God. It’s become so common place now that it’s like people don’t really notice, but there it is – some random guy deciding he was tired being poor just preaching the word of God and wanted to get something out of it.