Genesis Chapter 25

1 Abraham married one of the Drag queens from the his favourite touring show.

2 They couldn’t have any children

3 Which was OK since Abraham was getting old and senile, so he kept thinking that random children belonged to him.

4 In that way he ended up with a ton of sons to claim as his own, he renamed them all of course since he didn’t know their true names.

5 Isaac found Abraham’s will one day, which said that he was leaving everything to Isaac. 

6 Even though Abraham often gave gifts to his new ‘adopted children’

7 Isaac was kind of worried there wouldn’t be anything left for his inheritance

8 So before it got out of hand Isaac smothered Abraham in his sleep.

9 Isaac buried his father in the family crypt that Abraham had purchased to house Sarah.

10 Then he threw a huge party where everyone got drunk and had a great time.

11 Even God came to the funeral and gave his condolences to Isaac.  He’d been friends with Abraham for quite a few years. 

12 Now to Ishmael, whom God had plans for.

13 He had lots of sons.

14 They all had names.

 

15 Some of them were funny names

16 All of them were his sons, and they all hated each other, so they all lived in separate camps with separate followers.

17 With his last breath Ishmael decreed that the last son left standing would inherit everything of his.

18 His children started a huge war that escalated to all the other nearby tribes since none of them were friendly neighbours.

19 Now to Isaac.

20 Isaac married the two prostitutes that the servant had brought back for him and became the first father of polygamy. 

21 Rebekah couldn’t have children – so one day when God was over hanging out Isaac asked him if he could do anything about it.  God agreed to help out and went to see Rebekah.  She miraculously became pregnant that very night.

22 Pregnant with twins actually, who immediately hated each other and would fight in her stomach.  She went to God and said; “Take them out!  I’m done being pregnant!”

23 God said to her; “Blame Eve, I cursed women because of her.”

24 Rebekah gave birth to twin boys

25 The first one was red and covered in hair, they named him Esau

26 The second one was holding Esau’s ankle so he didn’t have to do any work – they named him Jacob.

27 The two grew up.  Isaac loved Esau more because he was a hunter. 

28 Rebekah loved Jacob more because he was quiet and mannerly and stayed at home.

29 One day Jacob was cooking when Esau came back empty handed from hunting. 

30 Esau said to Jacob; “That smells great, let me have some.”

31 Jacob served himself a bowl and began eating it as he watched Esau – “Are you hungry?  It’s quite good, I don’t think there’s enough for you though, sorry.”

32 “I’m literally dying of hunger over here!”  said Esau.  “I’ll give you everything I own for a bowl of stew.”

33 Jacob made a face, “You’re using literally wrong, but if you promise to give me everything you own and will own in the future I’ll forgive you and give you some stew anyway.”  Esau promised him and sold all his rights as the oldest son.

34 Jacob gave him some bread and stew.  Esau ate and left.

Commentary:

Interesting family Abraham had, but it was definitely his time to go.  God would have probably made him live forever since they seemed like such good buddies. 

More boring lists of names here.  I’ve skipped them all because I don’t feel like typoing them all over again.  They aren’t important anyway. 

Interesting way to decided succession Ishmael had though.  I would have liked to see his son’s faces when he told them what he wanted them to do.  “Bring me my paper – you and you, fight to the death!  And you, and you too!”

I’m also disappointed with Isaac’s sons.  One of them cheated the other who didn’t seem to care about his inheritance.  What are children coming to these days, we’re back to Cain and Abel times again?