2 Since they were travelling again Abraham decided to tell people that Sarah was his sister once more, it had worked out well for him last time after all. And once again Sarah was taken by the local king.
3 God was hanging out with Abimelech (the king) one night watching his harem dancers when he spotted Sarah in among them. He reached over and tweaked Abimelech’s nose; “What are you doing with Sarah? If anything happened to Abraham I’m going to shit on your city just like I did on Sodom!”
4 But Sarah had bit Abimelech’s hand and kicked him between the legs when he tried to get with her, so he hadn’t done anything yet; “Look, I didn’t do anything to her, you don’t need to crap all over my city.”
5 “She’s just Abraham’s sister anyway, he didn’t seem upset when I dragged her off. What did I do wrong?”
6 Then God said; “You’re probably right, Abraham is always trying to get rid of her – I already cursed her once with an STD and that didn’t stop her from sleeping around. So it’s probably a good thing you didn’t get in her pants.”
7 “Now send her back to Abraham – he’s a buddy of mine. And if you keep her here sooner or later your whole palace will be infected with what she has, I’ve seen it happen before.”
8 Early the next morning Abimelech called in his officials and told them what was going on, and warned them about the STD. One ran off to see a doctor immediately. It had already started.
9 Then Abimelech had his soldiers drag Abraham in to see him. “What have you done to my kingdom? You lied to me about your sister. She is your wife and can’t be kept satisfied, it’s wrong to take her somewhere that men live.
10 “Why did you bring her here?”
11 Abraham shrugged; “Last time the Pharaoh gave me a ton of presents to take her away, I’m kind of broke at the moment so figured it was worth a second try.”
12 “Anyway, she is my sister, so I wasn’t actually lying.”
13 “I told her I’m just not in to girls, so if she told people she was my sister they wouldn’t have a problem sleeping with her, and I was right.”
14 Then Abimelech gathered up some sheep to give Abraham and brought his wife out. He handcuffed them together to make sure he couldn’t leave her behind.
15 Abimelech said; “I’ll give you some land, anywhere you want, as long as you don’t stay in the city.”
16 He said to Sarah; “It’s too bad you didn’t polish the royal sceptre, but I appreciate that you didn’t want to sicken me, so I’m letting you keep all that silver you ‘borrowed’.”
17 Then Abraham waved to God who was sitting up next to the king. “Hi God, how’s it hanging?”
18 God adjusted himself and waved back to Abraham; “Better than these fellows, don’t worry I’ll heal all of them that your wife seduced now that you’re taking her away.”
Commentary:
I think the moral of this story is something like: Fool a Pharaoh once, shame on him - Fool a King with the same trick, shame on him too.
Not sure what God is thinking here with Abraham, he seems like the worst one of the bunch so far, but God is always on his side. I’m also curious why the king went right after Sarah, she’s stretching 100 years old at this point, surely there were younger women for him to choose from? I think Sarah exudes sex and men are just helpless around her, maybe that was what God blessed her with in the beginning?
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