Genesis XII

1 God said to Abram; “I know you don’t really fit in here, come with me and I’ll show you a place where all men like you can live in peace.”


2 “I will make the gay culture into a thing of greatness. I will make the name great, and the blessing that is manly love will bless others.”

3 “I will speak well of those who speak well of you and mercilessly slander those that speak ill of you. All nations on earth will look at my rainbow and say – ‘Isn’t that gay?’ - and they will be speaking of you with pride.”

4 So not having a better offer Abram went with god. He took Lot with him, since the two of them were having a ‘thing’

5 He also took his wife because that was expected. They loaded her down like a pack mule with all their possessions. And behind them came all the men that Abram ‘worked’ with.

6 God led and Abram followed. They ended up coming to a giant tree.

7 God said; “Here you can be fruitful – I know you won’t multiply, but that doesn’t really matter since all your brothers are really going at it.” So Abram carved the tree into a giant phallus in honour of God.

8 From there Abram went up in to the hills to be alone with his people. Every now and then they would return to the giant phallus to remember why they were there, and then worship God in their own way.

9 Abram decided to go vacation in a warmer climate, so he went to the desert.

10 There weren’t any resorts and such, so his only vacation destination was Egypt, and that’s where he ended up.

11 Before they entered Egypt his wife yanked Abram aside and had a word with him. She said; “I know you can’t see how beautiful I am, but I’m –really- beautiful”

12 “And I’m wasted on you, but here the people will see that I’m beautiful, and if they think I’m your wife I’ll be a virgin forever, so listen up.”

13 “You’d better tell people I’m your sister, or I’m likely to end explode and kill you with all this pent up sexual tension in my body.”

14 Abram didn’t have much to say to that so he agreed and they entered Egypt. And the people saw that Sarai was beautiful and lusted after her.

15 The Pharaoh’s officials saw her and held an extended casting couch session before she was brought to the palace. They all bragged to the Pharaoh about how good she was.

16 Abram got to tag along too, and the Pharaoh made a deal to buy Sarai for some cattle, donkeys, camels and a bunch of male servants.

17 When God heard about what was going on he cursed Sarai with a VD, which spread to most of the men in the palace quite rapidly.

18 The Paraoh called Abram to him and asked; “Does this look like a wart to you? It kind of burns, your sister tells me it’s just a rash, but I don’t believe her! Most of the men in the palace have come down with it as well … for some reason I think she might not have been faithful to me.”

19 “God has cursed me for some reason, I can barely pee any longer – take your seductress sister and get out of my palace before my whole army becomes immobile!”

20 Then Pharaoh told his men that Abram was the sort to take things from behind – and after a while they sent him on his stiff legged way.



Commentary:

So we see here that God actually celebrated gays, and because of that they adopted the rainbow as their symbol. The same symbol God uses to stay out of the emo danger zone. It doesn’t say whether God joined any of the ‘worship’ sessions, but he can likely assume that he in fact did.

I’m not sure that the desert would have been my first choice of a vacation destination but they were apparently limited back in those days. You’d think that even back then someone would have figured out that resorts went a long way – but perhaps that comes later on.