1 Some time later Abram had a vision. God said to him; “Abram don’t be afraid, this won’t hurt a bit … just relax, there will be a great reward at the end of it.”
2 But Abram said; “Look, you’ve already bent me over with this children thing, I don’t have any. When I die my servant will steal everything I own.”
3 “Its all your fault too – you made things this way.”
4 Then a sharp stinging pain in his cheek woke Abram up. God had just slapped him awake – he said; “Quit belly aching so much, if you’d sleep with your wife ever you might have a kid by now.”
5 Then God took Abram outside; “Look up at the sky, count the stars if you can – that is how many potential children you waste every time you mess around with one of your male servants.”
6 Abram was skeptical, but he took it on faith.
7 God also told Abram; “Look, I’m God for a reason, I brought you here, I wanted to give this land to your children, so get busy and make some.”
8 But Abram said; “Don’t I have to conquer this land first? I’ve been working on my army, but they aren’t ready for that yet.”
9 So God said to him; “I can’t think on an empty stomach, I need to eat something – bring me some three year old animals and a dove and pigeon.”
10 Abram was kind of surprised that God could eat so much food, but he brought it all anyway. He divided everything in half, deciding he was hungry too.
11 Then a bunch of his servants showed up and wanted him to share – Abram chased them off with a pointy stick.
12 After eating Abram patted his full belly and dozed off, sated and sleepy.
13 Then God said – “Look Abram, I like you but you need to have some children, I lost a bet and I owe a guy a bunch of slaves for 400 years.”
14 I promise after 400 years I’ll make it up to your decendants, but I can’t go back on my word – I have this small gambling problem and if I go back on the deal they won’t give me credit anymore.”
15 “If you do what I ask when you die I’ll send you off to a make believe world with the rest of your family that has died.”
16 “And I’ll bring your great grandchildren back here to visit your grave – doesn’t that sound like a good deal to you?”
17 The sun set and God coughed as the smoke from the fire irritated his lungs.
18 And that was the deal God made with Abram after drugging him with the food.
19 And God gifted Abram with the vision of the land his children would inherit
20 It went on
21 and on and on
Commentary:
I wonder what God had wagered against a group of slaves for 400 years. It must have been a pretty big pot. I’m also curious as to what type of game they were playing. Any kind of gambling that God says is OK is all right by me.
We also see here that God resorted to bribery to get what he wanted. He wasn’t always fire and brimstone, he did resort to cajoling every now and then. Maybe he just really liked Abram for some reason … I can’t imagine what that might be, though that first vision kind of gives me some ideas.
No comments:
Post a Comment