Genesis IX

1 Then God ate his fill while Noah and his sons stood around watching. At the end of the meal he looked over at them and made shooing motions with his hand. “What are you waiting for leftovers? Go, have children, repopulate so that I’ll have more people to torture and kill in the future.”

2 “Now I know you just spent some time with a bunch of animals – but keep in mind that they’re more afraid of you than you are of them.” Noah asked; “Even the lions and bears?” God answered; “Well maybe not them, you still have to be careful”

3 “But you can eat them all, so in the end you’ll get the better of them.”

4 “Just remember not to eat raw meat that still bleeds all over the place – I know rare meat is in style, but it can make you pretty sick”

5 Noah asked; “What about them, I’m worried about them eating us.” God replied; “Don’t worry, I’ll judge them most severely, just like I’ll judge anyone else that kills another person.”

6 “I hereby decree that all man shall strive to obey this simple rule - ‘an eye for an eye’. Anyone that does murder will be murdered in turn. I condone murder of any individual that has previously committed murder.”

7 “But before we can have serial killers you have to go and be lustful and have tons of children, so snap to it.”

8 Then God spoke to Noah and his sons more seriously.

9 “I just had a great idea.”

10 “I’ve just decided what I’m going to do to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

11 “So to assure that I’ll never get so emo that I cry for this long again.”

12 “Forever and ever, you will see this sign.”

13 “You will see these striped colours decorating the sky.”

14 “And when I bring clouds and sob, it will appear.”

15 “This will make sure I cheer up and don’t just go on sobbing.”

16 “I mean, who couldn’t smile at the cool colurs? Every time I see it I’ll have to smile because of my own cleverness of creating the colors of light.”

17 So God said to Noah; “Spread the word eh? I don’t want anyone forgetting who came up with the idea in the first place.”

18 Noah’s three sons were named Shem, Ham, Japheth.

19 Since it was only a few men and mostly women they were quite busy in the coming time.

20 Noah settled down on some empty land which there wasn’t any shortage of, and being the heavy drinker he was decided to put in a crop of grapes.

21 From the grapes he made wine, and down the hatch it went. Then after stumbling around naked and drunken he passed out back in his tent.

22 Ham went to find his father and ran back out of the tent shrieking; “My eyes! My poor innocent eyes!” His brothers came running to find out what had happened, and Ham told them with horror.

23 The three played rock paper scissors to see which of them would have to take something in to cover up their father. Ham won and then laughed at the misfortune of his brothers. But they were smarter than he was and walked backwards with the clothing behind them so they wouldn’t have to look.

24 Then Noah woke up with an awful hangover and found out what had happened.

25 He said, “What did you see?” Ham answered, “Nothing I swear!” Noah growled, “Is that some kind of joke about my manhood! It’s nothing is it? I curse your son to ever be the butt of jokes like that. I’ve seen his endowment, he must have gotten it from you, and its nothing to be proud of anyway!”

26 In addition Noah said, “But you other two that I can’t remember your names at the moment, I’m sure you’re blessed like your father … right?”

27 “If not, I’ll let you in on a secret” … and he shooed Ham away so he wouldn’t know “God knows some herbal remedies to help you out in that area, just go and see him, but don’t tell your brother!”

28 Noah had managed to horde away three of the pieces of fruit from the tree of life, and since the forest preserve didn’t exist any longer they were the only three left. Noah spread them out and lived another 350 years.

29 Noah’s total reached 950 years, then he finally died of old age having run out of fruit.


Commentary;

So here we find out that rainbows are actually in the sky so God knows to stop crying. Apparently he was planning on being sad quite often and wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to stop himself.

We also so here that Noah was a bit oversensitive about his junk – that curse on his Son was a bit extreme – though it might have just been the hangover, with as many wives as he had be probably got a good nagging when he finally stumbled home smelling like liquor. I wonder what he grew for the rest of his 350 years? Or maybe he was the first raving alcoholic? That’s my guess.