Genesis VI

1 Since some men were living for so long the numbers of humans on earth was increasing exponentially

2 It was then that angels came to earth because they found the daughters of man beautiful, and they married any of them they chose.

3 Then God, who was trying to find somewhere with peace and quiet - and failing - growled out; “I can’t take this anymore! These men are living too long and overpopulate too fast!” So he went and found Adam’s basket of fruit and stole it, then cursed all men that they would never live longer than 120 years.

4 The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, superhuman and of giant stature. They were also around later on.

5 God saw how bad the debauchery and evil deeds of man had become – all of their thoughts appeared directed only toward what he decided was evil.

6 God then became very Emo.

7 So he said; “Since I gave them life, I can take it away! I will lay waste to everything! I will even kill all the creatures of the world because they won’t do what I want!”

8 But – God did like Noah.

9 Noah’s neighbors all thought he was a good fellow and no one could find any complaint with him. Noah and God would take long walks in the woods together from time to time.

10 Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth.

11 But God had decided that the whole rest of the Earth was sinful. It was full of mean spiteful people.

12 God disapproved of everyone else.

13 So God said to Noah; “I’m going to kill everyone and destroy the world. They don’t come and walk with me in the woods like you do, and they aren’t doing the stuff I want them to do.”

14 “So make a giant boat with rooms in it and make sure it’s waterproof

15 I’ll email you the specifics later

16 And make sure to put a roof on it, and make multiple decks.” And Noah asked; “Ok, I understand you’re going to kill everyone, but why do I have to make a boat?”

17 God replied; “I’m going to go have a long cry and perhaps cut myself, and it’ll probably flood the whole world and destroy all life.” Noah asked, “Do you really have to be so emo about this?”

18 “That’s how it is going to be - but I will make a deal with you, if you build the ark you can take your family with you.”

19 “Bring two of every living thing into the ark, one male, one female. We’ve been doing enough inbreeding that it obviously isn’t as bad as people think, so the animals should be fine.”

20 “I’ll make sure two of everything come to you, do you happen to have a flute? I know a guy that does that kind of thing.”

21 “Oh and take a bunch of food, I mean usually I’ll provide for you, but I’ll be having a good cry so can’t come around if you call for me.”

22 And Noah, figuring if he snuck a bunch of women on board God might not notice, and being the last man on earth with a bunch of women couldn’t be all bad after all. So he did everything God asked.

Commentary:

This was a hard section to write – the first 6 verses are so disjointed that I had a difficult time making any sense of them. I’m not sure who the giants were, but apparently they’d been around for a while. Also I don’t know what angels came down from heaven, but apparently they had all the same parts – so God must have made them in his own image as well. No wings either, or we’d probably have wings now too.

The rest of the story we’re all pretty familiar with. God was kind of like a 5 year old child who wanted new toys but couldn’t have them until he got rid of all his old ones. He kind of spun on a dime deciding to kill off everyone.