Genesis XXI

1 And sometime during the visitation by the beggars, the tryst at the King’s place, and on the march Sarah became pregnant.  Just like God said. 

2 She gave birth to a Son, just like God had said she would.  During labour she wasn’t particularly happy about it, there was something about her ripping something off God and shoving it far enough down his throat that it came out the other end.  Afterward she mellowed out a bit.

3 Abraham named the boy Isaac, which means ‘100 fathers’ (which was definitely possible).

4 When Isaac was 8 days old Abraham circumcised him just like God told him.

5 Abraham was 100 years old at this point.

6 Sarah said; “Everyone laughs at me when I say this is my Son, why do they laugh, did God make me a cosmic joke?”

7 “They don’t believe that we could have a child and I could nurse him, but I can and I will, just wait!”

8 Abraham had decided to throw a party for the day that Isaac was going to stop nursing, he was happy that he wouldn’t have to see Sarah’s breasts on display any longer.

9 That day Sarah saw Ishmael dressing Isaac up in little girl clothes and calling him a little princess.

10 Sarah complained to Abraham; “Get rid of the slave woman and her son, they will not make Isaac into a cross dresser like his supposed father.”

11 What Sarah said upset Abraham very much, he wanted his son to follow in his footsteps – girls were icky, and he wanted his son to realize that.

12 But God had been listening in and he said; “Do what she says, I’ve got plans for Ishmael that involve a big white whale, don’t worry about him.”

13 “Or maybe that’s another Ishmael – either way I’ll look out for him.”

14 Early the next morning Abraham dumped a bucket of water on Hagar to wake her up, and give her a bath, then handed over a bottle of water and some food.  He brought them outside and handed them over to his slaves who herded them off into the desert with pointy sticks.

15 Hagar didn’t know what she was doing, so they drank all the water too fast.  Ishmael tripped and fell into a bush that he couldn’t get out of and she didn’t even notice. 

16 She wandered off and collapsed on the sand a short distance away.  “I could have sworn I was walking with my son, where did he go?”  Then she began to cry.

17 God was wandering by after waking up with an awful hangover and killer headache, the crying was more than he could take so he pulled down one of his angels to shut her up while he got as far away as possible.

The angel walked over and tapped Hagar on the shoulder, who looked up at him.  “Be quiet or I’ll give you something to cry about,” said the Angel.

18 “Now go find the boy you lost, he’s got a lot of work to do.”

19 Hagar went to find her son and the angel started digging a well.  When she got back water was pooling in the bottom of it.  They both drank.

20 God came to hang out with Ishmael every once in a while and taught him how to shoot a bow.

21 Hagar stole a woman from Egypt for Ishmael to make his wife

22 Elsewhere Abimelech and Phicol were having a chat with Abraham.  They said; “When we said you could pick anywhere to live we didn’t think you’d pick the only oasis near the city, we need this water.”

23 “And you’re using it for a sewer, we know God provides for you, but he doesn’t provide for us, so can you help us out here, we’ve been good to you haven’t we?”

24 Abraham said; “If you’d come to me in friendship, then this oasis that you need so dearly would be clean this very day.  But you don’t ask with respect, you don’t offer friendship, you don’t even think to call me ‘Oh holy mighty Prophet of the One god’.”

25 “If you want to be my friend, then that is different – there are these servants of yours, they took my original sewer well, a friend would return that to me so I didn’t have to use the oasis.”

26 Abimelech said; “Of course I want to be your friend, but isn’t that Prophet thing overdoing it a bit?”

27 Abraham said; “Perhaps.”  And they made each other friendship bracelets to wear for all time.

28 Seven slave girls came forward to Abraham and spoke with him.

29 Abimelech asked; “What is the meaning of these seven beautiful women?”

30 Abraham replied, “They want to make you an offer you can’t refuse.  And as your friend I suggest you let them present it to you … privately.”

31 That place was named Beersheba which means ‘An offer you can’t refuse’ or ‘Place of the Horny King’.

32 In the morning Abimelech walked bowlegged back to his city.

33 Abraham found a tree to carve into a giant phallus so he could worship God there

34 And he stayed there for quite a while.

Commentary:

Sarah finally had a child, maybe she’ll get off Abraham’s back now?  I’m surprised myself that she had a child that late in life, but who knows what things were like back then.

We also learn that the nation God had promised Abraham must be Sicily from the way he handled the king here, I didn’t know he had it in him.  Apparently Abraham had some kind of power we don't know about, or the king was just really afraid of what God would do to him if he didn't make peace with Abraham.  

Lastly - I do hope he wasn’t bathing in that oasis at the same time he was using it as a sewer, but I wouldn't put it past him.