Genesis I

1 In the beginning there was only God and nothingness. From the nothingness God invented mass and substance and created a formless watery substance.

2 Being without form the earth was an empty waste. There was a sense of it, but it was not able to be perceived because of the absence of light. God was the first man to ever experience the ability of 'flight' as he hovered over the formless mass.

3 And God invented language and the first form of speech. God began the building of vocabulary with these words; "Let there be light" - from which all forms of 'Abracadabra' stem. With those magical words God created light.

4 And God saw, because with light that was now possible. It was good to not be blind, but be missed the absence of light, so he fashioned darkness as well which was easier and didn't require magical words.

5 To continue inventing words God called the light Day, and the darkness Night. He attached them to a switch that he could flip on and off. There was then Day, and Night, as God tested the switch. One day passed.

6 And God once more spoke magical words; “Let there be something that separates Up and Down.”

7 And God spit on his hands, rubbed them together, then cast his spell and made it so.

8 And God called ‘Up’ Space. Then he played with the switch again causing the second day to pass.

9 And God got tired of flying – since he had two legs and two feet he said; “Let there be something for me to stand on.” And he huffed and puffed and blew the waters away, creating land.

10 Since God was all about giving things names he called the dry land Earth, and the waters he called Seas and Oceans and Lakes. Then he sneezed and the waters leapt all over the newly created land. He then additionally called the waters Lakes and Rivers and Streams and Tributaries and Runnels and so on. God patted himself on the back.

11 Now the landscape was pretty boring so God said; “Let there be vegetation of all kinds.” And it was so.

12 Then God walked upon the vegetation causing it to be extinct and realized his error. “Let the vegetation reproduce itself so I don’t have to watch where I walk”. And it was so, that plants and fruits would yield seeds. God decided that was definitely his best work so far and patted himself on the back again.

13 God’s eyes were hurting from all the light so he flipped the switch again, creating the third day.

14 Now God was getting kind of tired of flipping the switch all the time so he said; “I need to do something about this light situation, and I must invent Time.”

15 So God got rid of the switch and invented Fire. He then shaped the fire into a ball and set it in Space. He liked that idea so much and he created a game of it and began throwing uncounted numbers of fire balls in to space.

16 God then discovered that the Earth had frozen. He then created the first curse as he said; “Pluto.” God then kicked it which sent it spiraling around the fireball. Determining the problem God experimented. In the end after breaking some of the new Earths and creating 8 more failures that he left spinning he finally settled on the perfect Earth – and so named it. Then taking fragments of the Earths he had broken he threw them at the spinning planets. Some were caught up in the spinning motion and became moons.

17 God had by now come down with a fear of the pure dark so he smoothed one piece and set it to spinning about the new Earth catching light from the fireball to shine down during the dark times.

18 So with the Sun ruling over the day and the Moon ruling over the night God patted himself on the back once more.

19 And then God sat hypnotized by all the spinning planets and a full day passed.

20 And God said; “I’m Hungry.”

21 So God created all sorts of animals in the sea and in the sky. Then he held a great banquet and it was good.

22 God again became hungry and there was no food – so again he created the animals and God then blessed them with the joy of sex and said; “Make sure to make lots of babies so that I’ll never go hungry again.”

23 And since God had eaten a bunch of turkey he was quite sleepy and had a nap – another day passed.

24 When God woke up he went to pet a flying creature and it flew away from him. So God cursed it and removed its wings. When it hit the ground it exploded and turned into all types of land based wild creatures.

25 But they still ran when God went to them, so he removed the free will from as many as he could reach creating the first domestic animals. And God finally was able to pet a cow – and he patted himself on the back once more.

26 And God was lonely – so he called out; “Create the new mankind”. And nothing happened. God was going to have to do this one on his own and actually use some creativity instead of just calling everything in to being. So, not being very creative himself he said; “I will make them in my image and likeness.”

27 So God created man and woman in his own image. And because they were made in his image he found that they had dominion over all his other creations.

28 So God made the first every speech; “Remember with great power comes great responsibility. You have dominion over all living things, so be careful and don’t mess it up – I spent a long time making it all perfect. Whenever you do something ask yourself ‘Would God do it like that?’ And if the answer is No, don’t do it.”

29 Then God remembered something, “Oh, and I made everything edible, so when you get hungry just eat whatever is at hand.”

30 “But generally only the animals should eat the green stuff, you’ll be better off just eating the animals – they’re much tastier anyway.”

31 Then God took a good look at everything he had done, he was pleased. He then had the man and woman pat him on the back. The man patted him so hard it knocked God unconscious and another day passed.



Commentary:

As we see here God was the first magician. He had no hat, but he pulled a lot of things out of nothingness. He also wasn’t the most creative magician, since he just spoke and assumed things would happen as he wanted. Which is likely why so many things taste like chicken, perhaps the earth when springing forth all animals, plants, etc. just had run out of unique tastes.

It helps to remember that God was in fact nothingness himself at one point – so all these experiences are new to him. For you and me it might not be that incredible, but for him, even just determining what hunger was took quite a while … hence why so many days passed when it looked like he just said a few words then passed out. Unfortunately if one were to write the full story out it wouldn’t be easily ‘quotable’ to prove your point - which is what really matters.

I’d like to point vegetarians to ~Genesis 1:30~ where God decrees that you should eat meat and leave green things to animals. Please take special note.