Genesis IV

1 And since Adam and Eve didn’t have much else for entertainment Eve soon became pregnant can gave birth to Cain. She said; “Despite this crappy curse from God I’ve still managed to give birth.”

2 Later she gave birth to Abel. The both grew up instantly and Abel took care of the sheep while Cain worked the fields.

3 One day God invited Cain and Abel to the first ever cooking competition. So Cain gathered up some things he had grown.

4 Abel slaughtered some helpless sheep and brought them. They both cooked a dish for God, who then sat in judgement. God thoroughly enjoyed Abel’s dish.

5 But he wasn’t pleased with the lack of meat in Cain’s dish. So Cain became very angry and jealous.

6 Then God said to Cain; “Suck it up Princess

7 Next time don’t serve me plain steamed vegetables and expect to be taken seriously. Make a good dish and I won’t have cause for complaint. But if you keep making bad dishes you’ll never make anything of yourself. You have to rule the kitchen, don’t let it rule you”

8 Cain nodded and turned to Abel; “Come Brother, you can give me some pointers.” So they went out to the field, where Cain attacked and killed Abel.

9 God had decided to follow along shortly after hoping to get some tips as well, that dish was really quite excellent. Not seeing Abel God asked Cain; “Where is your skilled Brother?” “I don’t know,” Cain replied. “He ran off laughing at you for being so gullible and choosing his dish over mine.”

10 “That’s a big heap of lies – I knew I should have hidden the knowledge tree from your mother.” God looked around for a moment then cried out upon finding the body; “What have you done? I hope you weren’t planning on cooking him and serving him to me!”

11 “I bet you were! I curse you. No longer will the ground accept your crops as it has accepted the blood of your Brother

12 I curse your feet to constantly wander and never rest”

13 Cain grimaced and said; “You’re just being mean now

14 If you send me off I’ll never be able to cook for you again, I’ll be lonely and an animal might eat me

15 God replied; “Any animal that eats you will be paid back with indigestion.” And God made Cain smell awful so the animals would leave him alone.

16 So Cain left and went to live in another land.

17 Around this time Aliens arrived depositing humans they had grown as slaves to populate the world. One of the Aliens gave Cain a wife. And they had sex and she was pregnant then gave birth.

18 Her son had a son, and that son had another son and so on and so on.

19 The last son Lamech married two women and was always smiling

20 One gave birth to a son that started a cult who lived in tents and raised livestock

21 She also gave birth to another son that started a school for musicians

22 The other wife gave birth to a son that invented blacksmithing. Immediately discovering how to make bronze and iron tools. She also gave birth to a daughter.

23 Lamech said to his two wives; “While this has been fun, I’m not sure if I can handle both of you. Today I killed a man because I couldn’t take your constant nagging all the time.

24 So beware, from now on if you bother me I’ll pay you back 77 times”

25 Adam and Eve gave birth to another son. Eve said; “Finally we have another Son to raise crops and cattle, I was getting pretty hungry Adam, you’re not much of a farmer or shepherd. Ever since Cain ran off after killing Abel we’ve been sore pressed.”

26 Their son found one of the Alien women and had another son. Since there were enough people around God started demanding they all bow to him now and then – so the worship of the lord began.

Commentary:

We see here that the gestation and growth period of children here is quite short. Normally I’d chalk it up to the Alien biology, but since Eve popped kids out quite quickly and put them to work that can’t be it. I mean it looks like 4 or 5 generations of kids came out from Cain and his mother was still fully able to push out more kids.

Now it might seem like whenever two people have sex here they make another child, but we know that isn’t the case at all, or the world would have been way overpopulated by now.

I’m also impressed with the forethought of God. I can picture him reading the future and seeing ‘Hell’s Kitchen’. I can even picture Gordon Ramsay standing up there judging the first ever cooking challenge.

“Abel this is over cooked, and completely lacking seasoning since that hasn’t been invented yet – but it looks like you did the best you could over that open fire. Next time try to cook the meat more evenly. I wouldn’t serve this to my dog normally, but I’ll make allowances since we’re back here in biblical times.”

“Cain – you donkey! These vegetables are RAW!” *slamslam* *plate flies through the air* “Now if you were trying for raw that would have been fine, but these are supposedly cooked, they’re bland and limp – Come on now, get your head in the game! Also what were you trying to prove serving me whole pieces of wheat? You know you’re supposed to bake those right? What? You don’t even know what wheat looks like, what did you think it was … some kind of brittle squash?”

“Now it’s a hard decision since both of your dishes sucked, but at least I could potentially choke down Abel’s dish – Cain you should take some lessons from your Brother. Abel you win, not well done, but I suppose it will do.”

Yes we all know that Gordon Ramsay could likely drive anyone to murder if they really screw up a dish. He is obviously God’s creation all the way.