Genesis XIX

1 One of the beggars had stuck around with Sarah, but the other two went down to Sodom after doing their thing. They found Lot sitting by the gate of the city. Lot said to them; “Do not go in there – WHOOO”



“But we’re looking for a whorehouse,” they answered. Sarah had given them some coin before they left.

3 “I have two daughters,” said Lot, holding out his hand for the coins. So the three of them went back to his house.

4 Before Lot could get his guests in to bed there was a knock at the door.

5 The men outside called out to Lot; “You know the rules! Theres a waiting list for hosting strangers, you already had your turn! We want to see these strangers, are they single?”

6 Lot went outside to meet them and closed the door.

7 He said to them, “I saw them first, the man who waits by the gate gets the hot strangers.”

8 “But look, my daughters are pretty insatiable, how about when the guys are done with them I bring them out for you guys to play with? I don’t think these guys are bi-sexual anyway, you’ll have more fun with the girls.”

9 “We’ll take them, and your daughters, we can have a big orgy right here, that will be fun right guys?” RIGHT … “And if you don’t let us in we’ll start with you.” One of them started to bend Lot over and he screamed like a girl.

10 The men inside reached out through a window and dragged Lot inside. “What kind of parties do you guys throw here?” They asked.

11 One of them grabbed a hose and started to spray down the mob with cold water – “Chill out!” he yelled out to them.

12 The second man said to Lot, “I don’t think we have time to mess around with your daughters, we should probably get out of here.”

13 “We aren’t supposed to tell anyone this, but God sent us down here, and told us to look around – and if we didn’t like it he was going to destroy it. But since you were going to be so nice to us I think we’ll spare you.”

14 Lot went out the back and kicked awake the two drunkards that had promised to marry his daughters. “Hurry up and get out of here, God is going to destroy the whole city!” One of them laughed and waved his hand; “You tried that one last week to get us up Lot, you need to be more original.” Then he belched and passed back out.

15 Lot went back inside and the two men shoved his wife and daughters at him; “Hurry up and get out of here.”

16 Lot started to get suspicious; “Wait a minute now, are you just trying to steal my house? I mean is God really going to destroy the city?” The two men took him by the hand and started leading him outside; “Look we’re putting up a really bad review on Travelocity, he’ll see it and take the appropriate action.”

17 When the five of them were outside the city they shoved Lot and his family forward, “Run forest run! Don’t look back either unless you really like salt.”

18 But Lot held his ground, “I’m old, I can’t run that far …

19 And if you’re just after my house I want to be able to come back here tomorrow and give you what’s for.

20 I’m going to hobble over to the village named Small. Tell God not to destroy it too ok?”

21 God came walking down the road rolling up his sleeves; “You talk too much Lot, get out of here.”

22 “I’ll put a bubble around Smallville, but you have to get there first so hurry up – I’m in a bad mood and want to get started on this city destroying right away.”

23 Lot didn’t waste any more time, he’d seen God in a bad mood before.

24 When Lot arrived in Smallville he heard great thundering farts and crashing coming from Sodom.

25 God was really letting go, the temptation to look was very strong, but Lot didn’t like Salt.

26 Lot’s wife did like salt so she looked back, and God caught her watching; “Stupid women who don’t listen,” he muttered and turned her into a giant salt statue.

27 The ruckus woke Abraham up early and he went to see what was happening.

28 Steam was rising from the valley - it looked like someone had taken a giant dump, completely covering everything in shit.

29 And in the middle of it was an island of safety – Smallville.

30 The stench was awful and Lot couldn’t stand it so he left with his daughters to live in a mountain cave up wind of the valley.

31 One day after they’d been up there alone for a while the older daughter said to the younger; “I’m really horny, I don’t think I can take this much longer, we’re up here alone with just our father.”

32 “I say we get him drunk and have our way with him – I’ve always had a ‘daddy’ fetish anyway.”

33 That night they got Lot plastered and had their way with him.

34 The next day the daughters talked again; “That went great, let’s do it again tonight.”

35 So they got Lot plastered again and had their way with him. They didn’t even mind doing all the work, Lot had been popular with the other men for good reason.

36 They ran out of wine quickly, but by then Lot had come around to the idea and being that his wife was gone he started to enjoy himself too. After a few months both the daughters were pregnant.

37 The older daughter had a son.

38 So did the younger.



Commentary:

Not sure exactly what the lesson was here. God put too much faith in those two men and their review of the town. What had happened if they’d stayed at a 5 star hotel and had a great night? One bad review shouldn’t ruin the whole town should it? And not just the one town, God took a dump on the whole valley. So God actually kind of lied to Abraham, he didn’t even check the whole city to see if there were good people in it – I mean, the whole city didn’t show up at Lot’s door did it?
Also – incest? Really? These are the people God decided to save out of the whole valley, and here they are fornicating in a cave. I know that God is really in to this having kids thing, but I think this is a bit overboard – don’t’ you?