Genesis XIII

1 Since Abram had been banished from Egypt with his wife and lot the three of them and all their servants.

2 Abram had become quite rich from all the gifts the Pharaoh gave him.

3 They travelled quite a distance, until they found another large tree.

4 Abram carved another giant phallus and him, lot and the servants went about worshipping God.

5 While Lot had been travelling with Abram he had embezzled a bunch of money and purchased his own herds and servants and such.

6 As usual, the land wasn’t big enough for the both of them.

7 One of Lot’s people accused one of Abram’s people of sleeping with the sheep – which was true – but it sparked heated argument, ending up with the men mud wrestling in loincloths.

8 After watching for a while Abram said to Lot, “I’d kick your ass.” Which started another heated argument, ending with the two men and their herds separating

9 “Don’t try to follow me either, I’m going right, and you’re going left!” Yelled Lot to Abram

10 And Lot had decided he liked the looks of the river valley, so that’s the direction he had chosen. The two men, after a last glare, separated.

11 Lot stalked off toward the river

12 Abram ended up near Sodom.

13 Which worked out well for him, because the men in Sodom were exactly his sort of fellows.

14 God was hanging out with Abram one day and he said; “Hey, take a look around, this is a pretty decent place isn’t it?”

15 “I give it to you and your people forever. Go down to the land and titles office in the morning and tell them God sent you.”

16 “And if you ever manage to get in to your wife’s bed you might actually have some children to inherit it.”

17 “But that can wait – look at this instead, see how long and wide it is? It’s ok to touch it.”

18 In honour of that day Abram found another tree and shaped a new phallus for an altar, and there he set up his tent.



Commentary:

So here we see the first mud wrestling competition. I think it was just an excuse to get naked and dirty, but who am I to say. Since all the slaves were men you can’t blame them for finding entertainment where they could.

God seems to like bequeathing things to men’s children, I suppose that’s what mattered to everyone back then. But obviously God was all about owning the land we live on, so anyone saying we were meant to care for and share the land doesn’t know the whole story – we were meant to own and exploit it.