Genesis Chapter 22

1 Some time later God walked in to Abraham’s camp.  He called out; “Abraham, get your lazy ass over here!”  Abraham replied; “What do you want now?”

2 Then God said; “Take your Son and climb that mountain over there, then roast him over the fire, I feel like eating some first born son today.”  Abraham nodded; “Sure, I never really liked him much anyway – didn’t know you were a cannibal God, or does that count since you aren't actually human?”

3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and ordered his slaves to saddle the donkey, and chop some wood.  Then he went back to bed until noon.  When they were done they woke him once more and he gathered up his Son then set out for the mountain.  “Taking Isaac for a sacrifice on the mountain Sarah, be back in a week or so.”

4 On the third day having lost Sarah somewhere back in the mountain he saw the perfect place not far off. 

5 He said to the servants; “Go back and find Sarah, if she still insists on following you’d better tie her up or something.  I’ll find you on the way back.”

6 Abraham strapped the wood on to his son’s shoulders, he was going to be dead soon anyway so using him like a packhorse wasn’t much of a burden.  He carried the fire and knife himself.

7 Then Isaac said; “Father?”  “Oh so you can talk,” Abraham replied.  “Why do you want to roast me over a fire?”  Asked Isaac. 

8 “Well, God said he wanted to eat you, and you know we do whatever God asks right?  Besides you’re not really my son – I’ve never slept with your mother.” replied Abraham.

9 They reached the place and God was dozing against a large flat stone waiting for them.  Abraham started to arrange the wood and God woke up; “Took you long enough.”  Abraham tied up Isaac and placed him on the wood.

10 Then he unsheathed the knife to kill his son

11 But then his wife came running up the path yelling; “Abraham! Abraham!”  Sighing Abraham turned around considering killing her first; “What do you want woman?”

12 “Don’t you touch him, just because he isn’t really your son doesn’t mean you have to kill him!  God was just testing you anyway, isn’t that right God?” yelled Sarah.  God said; “I’m hungry, get on with it.”

13 Abraham looked up, Sarah was dragging a ram up the path with her.  “Wouldn’t you rather have a nice juicy ram?”  She asked.  God sighed, “Just cook me something, I told you I was hungry days ago.”

14 So Abraham named that place ‘God ate a whole sheep’.  To this day people say, ‘God, I could sure eat a whole sheep’.

15 God asked with his mouth full; “Was this ram grain fed?”

16 He said; “I still wonder what Isaac would have tasted like, but the mutton isn’t bad.  I appreciate the fact that you were willing to sacrifice him Abraham, you always do what you’re told.”

17 Waving a bone God said; “I’ll bless you with lots of children, etc. etc.  You know the stuff I usually say Abraham”

18 “Just write in a nice speech here when you record this on your blog.”

19 Then Abraham left with Sarah and Isaac.  They found the servants tied up down the path, Abraham eyed Sarah, but she didn’t say anything.

20 Sometime later God pulled out a photo album to show Abraham how well his brother was doing in the kid department.

21 Uz, Buz, etc.  Apparently his brother wasn’t that creative.

22 He had a bunch of sons

23 And was a grandfather already

24 Nahor even had a bunch of slave girls that he’d had sons by

Commentary:

It’s hard to tell if God was serious or not, Sarah got in the way before Abraham could actually do the deed.  Maybe God would have brought the kid back to life or something – that was always one of his favourite tricks.  I’m still kind of surprised that Abraham was just going to sacrifice his son … I think God kind of failed in trying to entice him to have kids of his own, he just doesn’t seem interested.

I suppose this is where the ‘eating the body of christ’ thing stems from.  God must have had some kind of obsession with consuming your own kind.

There was a bunch more name dropping that I kind of glossed over since no one really cares what the sons of Nahor’s sons were named.  The Bible is almost like a baby name book, if you see a story that you like name your kid after a main character!  We have lots of main character names for your use, surely you can find something you like?