Genesis V

1 Here is the boring story of Adam’s family line. When God created man he made a mistake – he created them in his own image.

2 He created male and female, then threw them out on their rear from the forest preserve.

3 When Adam was approaching his 30th year and starting to feel old he went back to the Garden of Eden, and there he managed to con the cherub guardians in to giving him a basket of the fruit from the tree of life. His family therefore lived to obscene ages, eating sparingly. When he was 130 years old he had a son named Seth.

4 Adam lived another 800 years after Seth and had a ton more children.

5 Adam lived a total of 930 years. Then he died of a heart attack having sex.

6 Seth lived 105 years before fathering his first child. Being an ugly fellow that wasn’t a surprise.

7 Seth lived another 807 years after Enosh was born.

8 Seth lived a total of 912 years, then he fell off a cliff.

9 Enosh lived 90 years before fathering his first son, coming in a full 15 years under his father’s time.

10 Enosh lived 815 years after Kenan was born. All of these guys obviously had more kids through their time.

11 Enosh lived a total of 905 years. Then he was strangled while falling out of a tree.

12 Kenan lived 70 years before having his first child – beating both his father and grandfather by a huge margin.

13 Kenan lived 840 years after Mahalalel was born.

14 Kenan lived a total of 910 before Mahalalel took his revenge for giving him such a difficult to spell (and weird) name.

15 Mahalalel lived 65 years before having his first child. The pattern continues

16 Mahalalel lived 830 years after Jared was born.

17 Mahalalel lived a total of 895 years then was killed diving in to a shallow stream.

18 Jared lived 162 years before fathering his first child, alien women had become scarce and were hard to come by.

19 Jared lived 800 years after Enoch was born.

20 Jared lived a total of 92 years before his wife shoved him into the cook fire after he criticized her cooking as he always did.

21 Enoch lived 65 years before having his first child.

22 God came and took Enoch away 300 years after Methuselah was born.

23 Enoch lived a total of 365 before God came for him.

24 God had learned that Enoch gave the best foot massages and so took him from this life.

25 Methuselah lived 187 years before becoming a father. He had inherited his great great grandfather’s nose which caused no end of problems.

26 Methuselah lived 782 years after Lamech was born.

27 Methuselah lived a total of 969 years before a seagull fell out of the sky and caved in his skull

28 Lamech lived 182 years before becoming a father.

29 He named him Noah and said; “You better look after us when I decide to retire, working the ground is hard. My hands and feet hurt constantly. First you’ll learn how to massage feet and hands, but not too well because God might steal you for your talent.”

30 Lamech lived 595 years after Noah was born.

31 Lamech lived a total of 777 before dying tripping over a rock in the field. His hands never did stop hurting.

32 It took Noah 500 long years before he became the father of Shem, Ham and Japheth. Part of the reason was because Lamech didn’t let him leave home until he was 450 years old and tired of giving massages.

Commentary:

*yawn*  Does anyone actually care?  I suppose if you want to trace your lineage back to Adam this is the way to do it.  But he was supposedly the father of Everyone so ... you shouldn't have to bother with that.

The fruit obviously lasted them for quite a while, we don't have lifespans like that anymore.  But its a good thing - they had to populate a whole world, even with the Alien's help they couldn't have done it so easily if they didn't live for a thousand years.