Genesis XVI

1 Now Abram had never had any children because he continued to forsake his wife in favour of male companionship. Finally after listening to Abram whine about not having any children for the thousandth time Sarai said to him

2 “Look, go mess around with my servant, she kind of looks like a man if you squint, and I make her work hard so she has pretty big muscles. Maybe she’ll give you a child and you can quit bothering me with your nonsense.” Abram agreed to give it a try

3 So Sarai helped get Hagar all dressed up like a man, then gave her to Abram

4 Abram took her away and pretended she was a friend of his named Wang. And it lasted until he got overexcited and tore off her shirt. Then he shrieked like a girl and ran off. God had pretty much given up on Abram at this point, but it ended up that Hagar was pregnant after all.

5 Then Sarai went to Abram; “You actually thought I was serious? It was a joke, I never thought you’d go through with that … would you like me to dress up like a man? I’m going to spend the next month with your Legion of the Giant Phalluses.”

6 Abram said to her; “If you’re leaving take that servant with you, she’s yours after all … and she scares me. Whenever I look at her I see … breasts.” So Sarai dragged her off by the hair to take her revenge. Hagar ended up running away quite quickly.

7 Then something fell out of the sky screaming and landed next to Hagar at the spring in the desert. It got up and dusted itself off.

8 It appeared to be wearing a long white dress, and there were feathers floating in the air – which apparently had come from the chicken it landed on when it fell. It said to Hagar; “What are you doing out here, don’t you belong to Sarai?” Hagar replied; “I’m running away from my owner.”

9 Then the thing told her; “Say what? Get back to your owner before I run you back there myself. Go and take your beating like a proper slave.”

10 The thing continued, “God decided to make you a breeding slave, so here you are, and you’ll be giving birth to a bunch of kids so get used to the idea.”

11 “And since you’ve run away while you’re pregnant God can curse your child specifically instead of being so vague.”

12 “He’ll wear stripes with plaid, socks with sandals, and will forever be cursed with his hair growing in a mullet.”

13 Hagar said; “You’re a funny looking thing, but I have now seen you, and you have seen me.” She gave a name to the thing that spoke to her.

14 The well still carries the name - ‘Stupid Crazy Stranger’

15 So Hagar gave birth to a son and named him Ishmael.

16 And Abram finally had a child of his own.



Commentary:

Abram finally had a kid! I think God just felt sorry for him at his point and nudges Sarai into the deal. Too bad he didn’t erase her memory afterward.

Then all that business about someone falling out of the sky. I suppose angels have to come from somewhere, maybe that’s why they started appearing with wings later on? All that falling would start to hurt after a while.

We also see here that God is very strict about his slavery rules. Slaves were slaves forever, none of this running away for a better life nonsense. He threw an angel down to stop her didn’t he?